More points to ponder...

[wishing, hoping]

Man I am really missing my kid's tonight. S texted me and said he was sorry he didn't call (I wanted to talk to him and D) but they were in the car almost all day. I feel bad for them being swung here and there by that miserable bajagaloop (thanks to Sophia from the Golden Girls). H is all about H and what H wants. They have been planted the last two days in OW's house. Why the huge back and forth? He tells the kids that they are his first priority. Actions speak louder than words.

Thinking about things and how I feel about H these past few days I realize that this seed of anger and contempt for H has been growing for the past few years. Subtle comments he would make. Disrespect and a condescending attitude toward me. I remember how he would get so upset before we were married and had the kids that I would get home from work and put my hair up, wash my makeup off and put comfy clothes on. He said he didn't like it. I remember all the ways he made me feel bad about myself. Little bits of scarring here and there. And I put up with it. Not realizing what it was really doing to me. I can see the dysfunction and how it grew and how I protected my kids from it. Now there is nothing protecting them from it. Only another woman who possibly thrives off the dysfunction or at the very least is clueless about it and is defending H to the hilt like I once foolishly did.

So much introspection. So many questions. I was naive. I wanted to make it work. But honestly it could have never worked with someone like H. It will never work with H. Put any other woman into the equation with H. It won't work. I'm not saying I don't have things to work out, but at least I am trying to become a better person. At least I am analyzing myself. At least I am trying to see what happened. And at least I realize it would have happened even if it wasn't with me.

Sure there are still moments of doubt where I think it's my fault. Those moments are fewer and farther between. H has issues. That's obvious. I don't know if I had done things any differently if things would have been better? Probably not. I wish things could have been different for my kids sake.

So there is this seed of contempt for H deep within me. I don't know how long it will take to work this out. He has poisoned me deeply. It's really hard for me to think he has any decency or love within his soul. There are moments I think he is pure evil. But then there are moments I pity him. H has no real friends. He has OW and maybe her parents. That isn't much. I dont think his kids will want much to do with him as they get older and his own family has never had his back.

I on the other hand am blessed. I have friends, family, church and my wonderful kids. I am healthy, I have a good job, a roof over my head and food on my plate. And I have a clean conscience at the end of the day. That's more than a lot of people have.

Not sure what I am trying to get at here. This is kind of stream of consciousness writing. But it's late and I'm a bit punchy. I better get some sleep.

WH