new here. is DB even worth it?

[25yearsmlc]

I have a similar 180. I always chose/decided everything for our D7 (school, clothing, activities, daycare, outings, etc.) and rarely consulted his opinion.

Please let me use this^^ as a 'teaching point' without feeling as if I am bashing you. But this^^ behavior when it's in a man, is seen as CONTROLLING as heck, and comes off as critical too....b/c the other spouse is clearly not as capable as the one choosing...

so as easy as it is for we women/mothers to "do it all" we have to remind ourselves that it's NOT a quality or attribute to cultivate. It's mainly a flaw we have to work on modifying or eradicating.



When he offered one, it was usually wrong.


and here^^ we have the evidence that it is seen as "WRONG" of them to disagree w/us. Chances are the suggestion or answer is more subjective than "right vs wrong" and that gets hard to admit bc we THINK we have "worked it all out already" and our preferences are the "Right" ones...

but in truth, most of what we choose is not crucial and our spouse's preference is just as good as ours, sometimes it may not be but it's rarely a life and death matter. And if it's not, then why did we insist on having it our way and self righteously demand that it be done our way?

I think it's partly b/c as mothers (esp if we are stay at home mom's) we don't get a lot of positive accolades, and we don't get a "bonus or promotion" for a job well done. We need that...so perhaps we are more insistent than we need be, b/c we need some pats on the back. Too bad we couldn't just tell our h's that!



I think I'm more aware of this now. I've made a point of saying positive things about his parenting with D7. That has an extra benefit, too, as his LL is words of affirmation.

Ah well maybe this^^ is why My DB coach said to "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives they do" and at the time it felt so hard to do, that I had to work hard on it.

In retrospect, I'm embarrassed b/c giving compliments is simply a loving thing to do, and it costs me nothing. You'd never know that however...

Right as she told me that, I heard myself thinking "but if I compliment him for X, then he'll take Y for granted and might treat me worse ....."

It was as if I was risking something by complimenting my h! I was so wrong.

It was really the opposite b/c we risk a lot more by with holding compliments! We empty their love tanks b/c we don't add to it!

My h responds so much more to positives than negatives, I can't believe it took me decades to realize what could and should have been clear to me, much sooner.
I get treated much better b/c I compliment him more than before..
Lesson learned.

Does this resonate?