new here. is DB even worth it?

[25yearsmlc]

A massive 180 would be YOU planning your own things then! It doesnt have to cost lots, there is loads that can be done cheaply or free that i'm sure you & your D would enjoy.

Yes, I agree. Working on it. Also working on gaining more confidence in taking her on bigger trips by myself.

Also fear plays a big part in how the LBS feels. You need to strip back what your feelings and try to get to the root of whats causing it, thats the only way of knowing whats really going on for you.

For a long time, I was so afraid that he would leave me.


Please READ THIS^^^ and notice... NOTICE that we often bring about the very things we fear, when we let fear decide things for us or affect how we behave and how we treat others or ourselves. Notice this and learn from it.

I had so much anxiety about keeping our daughter safe--partly because I knew that if something happened to her, there would be nothing keeping us together. (Wow. Sounds pretty terrible!) But now that that great fear has been realized-- and the world has gone on (and I'm actually handling it quite well), I just don't have that fear anymore.

I hope you take the lessons from this, that are needed...enough said (right?)

I know that I don't want to go back to how things were. I was not happy in the R.

The old marriage is dead and gone. Let it go as neither of you were happy. It's okay to concede that. It's crazy Not to concede that. AGREE with your h about the need for that marriage, to fade out... nothing to argue about there, is there? So let him see that you get it!

I guess if he was willing to confront his side of things and work on changing himself, then I'd be very willing to do the same.


PLEASE STOP THIS THINKING^^^^...it's a cop out. It's conditional. It is you saying "I will improve ONLY IF I think HE WILL, AND THEN....I'd be very willing to do the same"....why does he have to change anything before you do?

And excuse me, but he is not here trying to save the marriage; You are.

So it's YOU, the LBSer, who takes the first step, and the next step, and the next 309485 steps if needed. Don't count and don't measure.

You do your work in your sandbox and you stay out of his sandbox. The LAST thing he needs to hear from you is what you'd "be willing to do IF IF IF he..." anything.

Just Do your work. Let him worry about his own. But trust me, if he were to see real lasting deep change IN YOU, he'd want to do the same. FOR HIS SAKE...

B/C seeing someone who is at peace with themselves, content inwardly and outwardly, is someone to emulate.


So, I guess at this point it's worth holding out hope for that.

Well, your changes are for you, remember? Regardless of what he thinks/feels (which you will not know), it's your work to do. Period. It's NOT related to him. Do you see that?

Two questions:
1) Is it at all appropriate to date while you are DBing? (My hunch is NO, you remain committed to the marriage, but I don't know for sure!)

People here, including some DB coaches, vary in their answers. If you are actively SAYING you want to work on the marriage and you are under the same roof, obviously it's a bad idea to date. \

But when separated, there are arguments that go both ways. For ME, a lot depends on who is trying to prove what, and which party (the WAS or the LBS) is the one dating. It's NOT one size fits all but as I said, it'd be different if you were under the same roof, have kids exposed to it (never do that unless you think the R with OM was getting serious) and who the walk away is...

Sometimes, an LBSer who dates, realizes they are not going to be alone the rest of their lives if their spouse does not return AND OR the WAS realizes that the LBSer really is a good catch and only the attention of OMs awakens that realization. IT VARIES...

But I caution you, do not date solely as a tactic to get the spouse to return.

For one thing, it's not fair to the OM/OW who is essentially being used...so honesty is crucial there...and for another, if the reason you date is as a tactic, it usually shows thru in some way. IOW, it fails as a tactic.


2) How do folks handle birthdays or special occasions of in-laws? My nephews' birthdays are coming up-- do I buy them gifts? From me? From me and D3? From just D3?? I don't want to come across as pitiful or manipulative--is it inappropriate for me to insert myself in their lives now??


are you "inserting" or simply remaining in their lives?

Don't drop off the face of the earth. Make it clear that a gift is from you and D3 and then DROP IT and don't wait around acting as if you expect thanks (and some words of encouragement, etc) from them. If it's a GIFT, then give it. No strings/expectations or hopes, attached...make sense? Let them learn to relax around you. NO neediness from you. Your friends and YOUR family are for that, not your h's.

I'm pretty positive I won't be invited to their birthday celebrations (my H and D3 will be, though I'm not sure they will even tell me about it beforehand), so will it seem desperate and lame for me to send them a gift on my own?? I miss them. :-(

IF your d3 is invited and goes with your h, then I assume HE will buy a gift. If not, or if unsure, ASK your h if he wants you to pick the gift up and then send it with him/them....involve yourself in a helpful way but if he says he's got it covered, LET HIM...

Also here is a list of things I did to GAL when I really did not feel like it but knew I HAD to...

I did these when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. And I had 3 kids, including an infant (so you know I don't want to hear about how 'you are 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your h. OKAY--

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. (Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was NOT at all easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their long LONG winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.
(I know that those tanning booths post skin cancer risks. But I was facing a LONG brutal winter, again, and made the choice I felt was healthiest for ME at that time).

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.