Thanks FY and Wonka. That's what I've been trying to do for a long time now. Her MLC started long before B-day. She stopped being a wife and mother years ago and spent all her time either working or with her work friends. Even decided that we didn't even need to vacation together or with the kids, that's what her dad's family does. It's been 10 months since b-day and it took me until last Dec. to realize it was MLC and stop trying to "fix" myself or her. Since then I haven't asked her not do anything, gotten upset about the things she did that would have upset me in the past (like getting drunk and staying out all night, spending money we don't have to go on trips to visit her dad and leaving me to take care of the kids, home, etc., going away "for work" for weeks at a time and again, leaving me to take care of everything, etc.). I have given her space in spades and remained supportive when she does things of value.
At the start of all this I said things that I now know were wrong and I no longer believe (I told her when she said she wanted to "be on her own, in control of every part of her life" that she wouldn't make it on her own, she needed me, something I regret and came up in our last "talk" a few weeks ago when I told her of course she would be fine on her own, that's not in question. She told me that wasn't what I said before and I told her I was hurting back then and apologized)and I've tried to show her through my actions and attitude that I understand what she is going through much better now. Of course, can't just say that as that would sound like I know better than her what she needs, a big no-no!
The hard part is when she says and does things TRYING to get me to react. It's gotten to where I can see it in her face when she does this, a sort of "test" to see if she can't get me to react badly. Also, the stress of being in charge of the finances when she spends and won't listen when I tell her we don't have the money to do something she wants to do and acts like a kid whose parent said "no" to something they want. Also, when the things she does effect my kids and hurt them, it's hard to be her "friend" when she is so uncaring about her own kids.
It's been "all about her" for so very long now and the worst things that entails are on the horizon, like having to tell my daughter she can't go to the school she has been told her whole life she would be going to only because mom "needs" to "find her joy" and live apart from us. So, while I know what you are saying is so very true. That that is how I MUST be if I ever want her to come through this, there are times that is just so very hard. Thanks for the reminder. It does help to hear others say that there can be hope if I can do what I know I should. Sometimes it gets hard to be strong and detached.
I will say this...at the start of this, post B-day, W said she wanted a D, no hope that our marriage could EVER get better and she had no intention to "try" even if it could. This is no longer the case. Now, she isn't in a hurry to D. She just wants to be on her own and separated, not D. Of course she has reasons like health insur. and such but it's a big step from "I want a D and I will not even think about trying". Even her saying "If we ever do try again, which is a big if, it will have to be slow" is a step up from her previous attitude. Of course this could all change in an instant if OP enters the picture (other than her father, of course)but it is something. Part of the problem is there really isn't a place in our small home where she can go and have her "own space". She sleeps on the couch and that isn't a good long term solution to her space problem. I think if she could have a room of her own she would feel better about an "in-home" separation. Only time will tell.
Thanks for the reminder guys, some days are better than others and this weekend was bad.
