S and I had a great few days together. Last night, at his request, we set up a tent in the backyard at night a decided to camp together. He packed in some of his toys, his favorite blanket and stuffed animal, our dog and we just had a ball. We watch a show on Netflix on my phone and had a bunch of good laughs. He eventually got a bit creeped out and wanted to go back inside....so we did, but for the first try we did OK. I got up in the morning, made him breakfast, packed his lunch with a note in it, got him dressed and we took off for pre-school.
About 5 minutes into our run down the freeway, he asks "Who's going to pick me up after school today? Dad! I want you to pick me up, OK, please?". I was able to change the topic on him for about 5 or 10 minutes and as we got nearer to his school he started again. "Dad, come pick me up after school - OK?" - over and over again...with more desperation creeping into his little voice. I kept trying to change the topic, but he would NOT let it go. Finally we arrived at school and I unfastened his safety seat. He wouldn't get out. I asked him to come on out and he said "If you promise to come get me I'll get out". I had to reach in and get him. It was clear that his mood was shifting to sadness. I did not let him see my emotions and remained pretty level (difficult). He was for sure not on his game when we got into school - he wrapped his arms around my leg and still begged me to come get him after school....he would not be deterred no matter how I tried to change the topic. I lifted him up and took him out to the playground with the other kids and teachers. He was definitely feeling insecure by now. I gave him a big hug and usually he pulls back to give me a little kiss and a "head butt" when I drop him off. He would not let go of the hug...it was a soft death grip. I tapped one of the aids on the shoulder and mouthed to her that he was having a hard time. She reached up to get him from me and literally had to pry him away....he gripped onto my shirt so hard some of the snaps came undone. While he was in the teacher's aide's arms I put both of my hands on his cheeks and gave him a kiss and said "I'll see you soon, buddy". He reached out for me. I turned and walked away. I made it to my car and the wall of tears and sadness that I put up just shattered. I lost it. I hated to see him so sad an unable to reassure him. I wanted to tell him I would love to pick you up. I wanted to tell him a million different things to comfort him....and I could say nothing at all. Do see him deflate like that, and get so sad so fast -- it shatters my heart. To listen to him beg and plead for me to come get him so he doesn't have to go to his mother's house tears me apart ("Promise you'll get me dad! Double promise!").
I sat in my car for 10 minutes trying to process the pain of saying goodbye to him till Sunday at 5.....trying to process anger at XW for putting us through this....and then trying to process that over the next few days she will put him in front of OM so they can presumably "bond"....that boils my blood when I realize I just had to break his heart and drop him off.
X still blames me for his difficulty going from house to house. Says that if I wasn't sad he wouldn't be either. I kept my emotions to myself. I always do...I do NOT break down in front of him. It feels as if she will do ANYTHING to avoid having to look at the pain she has caused. THAT is why I get angry that she gets to me happy and cozy in a new R....ignoring the fact that S is struggling sometimes....she just stays on her happy little island and asks for pictures and updates on S.
I have become a great father and a better man. I wish she could see and appreciate it but so far nope.....this life seems better for her....JUST her. The pain of bonding with my S is that it makes it that much harder to say goodbye. I love that kid so much it tears my heart out to see him wanting to be with me and he can't....because I want to be with him, too. We are both feeling the pain of separation and there is nothing we can do but try to work through it together as best we can.
