Loot and lawyers ...

[Train]

It is. Far, far better. And because it DOESN'T come naturally to you, and you don't have a track record of setting them with him . . . they might be that much more attention-getting.

Okay. I have been avoiding conversations with him completely, Starsky, thinking that's what I was SUPPOSED to be doing. I've been looking at ALL this as a "method." And I've left ME - and REAL LIFE - out of it. I haven't stood up for myself. I know that might not make sense. It doesn't even to me. I've just been a freaking robot, trying to tailor cool responses to him when he texts. I have not initiated ONE conversation even remotely related to our relationship because I thought that would be "pursuing." Verbalizing boundaries about ANY relationship with him, in my mind, has been a no-no because I haven't wanted to talk about our relationship. It's so backwards of me, and I know it. I've been GAL, and I think that has maintained some level of attractiveness. But I want and need and deserve more than to be attractive because I LOOK good. I need Train back! I'm a woman who's KNOWN for "not takin' no stuff." I need her back.

I KNOW I'm ready for something different now. I FEEL ready. And this time, it has NOTHING to do with "getting him back," because, frankly, I don't want him back. Not right now, anyway.

I'm thinking, since H has obviously noticed I've pulled away, that it could be a *natural* time to TELL him my new boundaries. And since *I* am feeling differently, I'm in a better place and feel confidant that I can actually STICK to the boundaries. I couldn't say that about myself a couple weeks ago. That has been the beauty of "going dim."

I'll think today about additional boundaries. And perhaps you can help me with them over the next few days ... and then we can come up with a way for me to drop them with H before - or once - he's here this weekend. I'm not even opposed to e-mailing something to him before he heads down, especially since I told him there would be "ground rules" for his visit. I haven't e-mailed him yet. Lol. I seriously have not had one conversation. Not written one letter. I've just done nothing. Nothing.