Loot and lawyers ...

[Train]

I'm disappointed that you didn't lay this boundary earlier, as it would have been much stronger.

You and me both. This is going to be all over the place, but try to follow along, knowing you're reading the inner workings of a very confused mind:

To be honest, I lived that first month or so in complete shock. I'm not sure I'm completely out from under that yet. But I'm not waffling near as much as I was right after BD. Remember: I'm the one who was still letting my H touch me - thinking it was "progress" - in the beginning, even though he would still sit there and text OW. Silly, stupid me.

I was one of those people who couldn't reconcile DB with firm boundaries, and I waffled badly at first. I've only recently discovered that those two can't exactly BE reconciled; it was you and HS who pointed that out to me initially. So, essentially, I was being a doormat the first six weeks, thinking it was progress when H texted me "just because," and when he wanted to hang out and talk on the back patio over a beer. I totally ignored the OW and his relationship with her. I STILL feel like a doormat because no matter how mean or crude he's being, I'm still trying to stay cool-tempered and level-headed instead of losing my sh!t. I haven't lost my shi!t with him since I kicked him out. And I lost it BAD that night ... and the night I found the texts.

H said in a text last night: "I think when you asked me to come to the beach, that you thought there still might be a chance with us. But I think you're over that now ..." When I allowed myself to feel the kick in the gut that caused, and then spent a minute mulling it over, it occurred to me that maybe even my unspoken boundaries - and certainly my "pulling back" - are at least having SOMEWHAT of an effect. To be truthful, I'm just ignoring him AND his comments. Staying quiet. Because I'm confused as hell about what to do or how to respond. I'm still in a fog, but I'm coming out. I haven't had a conversation with H about what happened in our M. Not one. I haven't had an opening to state many boundaries now that I feel I know better what I want and need.

In other words, and overall, Starsky, I've honestly sat back, quietly, and let him run all over me. That's just me being brutally honest. I've been trying to be mellow in my interactions with him, in spite of him being a turd so many times. And I feel that has made me a doormat. I've gone "dim" the past few weeks to give MYSELF time to heal and figure out what I want and what I NEED. I think I've obviously confused him in doing so. But I needed it for me. And now, I'm READY to come out and set some boundaries for ME in this "new normal" life.

I hope setting - and verbalizing - boundaries is better late than never.