THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU'RE KIND -
been sick as a dog (as luck would have it) so kind of out of comission. i cannot ever remember getting an actual "flu" kind of thing- fever and all. it is not pleasant being sick- kept thinking of my mom and being old and realizing that no matter how rotten you feel today- you will never feel better!!! poor thing-
eeeek- it's got to be very hard to get old graciously.
that in mind- i am (as usual) trying to keep in forefront of mind - that i need to be always mindful that any day could be the last- find the pleasure in each one ( - there's always "something" to be glad for in any day) and so on. well- just reinforcing what's become my usual m.o. i guess- still a work in progress here. some days harder than others- it's the outlook thing-
h went back to fla fri. - he really hung in there for past month or so - thru mom's final days, i was surprised. he was v good with her & hand-holding. she liked him alot and it was important to her- and i appreciated it alot too. it was good to have someone here with me at home also.
he left tho, and I just don't want to talk to him. idk what is going on with me "exactly" - i just do not have anything to share with this guy that goes back to his life and ow - i haven't picked up the phone in three or four days since he left. just don't want to make like it's okay in my life - just don't have the energy to try.
i'm thinking i should just go with my gut and stay mum. maybe when i'm feeling more my old self - i'll be all able to act as if I am my old self.
i keep wondering if now that this GIANT "JOB" i had in life is done i will somehow magically arrive at some "other place" in my life/mentality and this w hole mlc crappola with h.??? so far i just feel tired but okay that i think i did see it thru okay- she was in her own home- nothing terrible happened along the way - she's gone to meet her maker and i think was okay with it all. she & i were "okay" - all the hostility sure goes out the window when you're just sick and dyng and cruising out of life...
i don't see that any of this all would affect h- i'm talking about me - inside. do not know what is perking around in there- my brain - (if i ever stop coughing long enough to "here" anhything???).
fingers crossed huh?
(well- will & estate, etc is still my job-) but it's nothing compared to helping another person live & die (sort of thing). this is just money and stuff and really, "crappola" - my sisters are a mixed bag of greed & hostility- so far- i just don 't care. hope my detachment continues and think it will. compared to mom's death- this stuff just doesn't matter - really..."cleanup" huh?
so- just thought i'd check in- say thanks - & still here - and hope you guys are all doing okay as well- i need to go find some cough medicine & tissue- will read around when i can find a minute.
