Loot and lawyers ...

[Train]

Update - CRAP! Where are y'all when I need you? Lol! - but please read the last two posts for some context ....

Just as I feared (but not THIS soon), I got THE text tonight about H coming to the beach ...

But first, out of the blue, he texts, saying his work at his second-shift job has stopped for now because of miscommunication. Long story. It's happened before, and I FLIPPED when H and I were still together, and he was working there and not getting paid ...

So tonight, he texted: "Lost work again at (name of business)."

I replied: "I'm sorry. What happened?"

He wrote back, telling me about the miscommunication and said, "Don't worry. Not gonna pull money from ya, my L told me to stick with what I'm doing now, for now. I wouldn't f--- you like that or the kids."

It took me 30 minutes to re-gain my composure before I replied: "I'm sure it will work out, as it always seems to. As for the kids and me, thank you. I'm learning, ever so slowly, that I can lead them through darn near anything. And we will be okay, no matter what, too. Everything will work out; stressing about it is pointless. For you at (name of business), too."

UGH! That was HARD! (And I'm still wondering if I'm being TOO "zen" in my responses when I really want to tie his balls in a knot and hang him from the ceiling?!???)

He replied: "Lol, I know." And then (UGH!!!!): "So are you still in the same mindset as you were when you asked me if I wanted to come down there and spend time with the kids, as you are now?"

I replied: "Still in the same mindset? What do you mean?"

He wrote: "I think when you asked me to come to the beach, that you thought there still might be a chance with us. But I think you're over that now, so, would it be really weird for me to come down there?"

I cringed, took 20 minutes to re-center, and wrote: "My intentions in asking if you wanted to come down here were to offer you a chance to spend time with the kids. It really has nothing to do with me or with 'us'."

He replied: "Ok, cool, is offer still on then?"

And I said: "Sure. When do you think you might head down?"

He JUST responded: "Possibly Fri. , definitely Sat. afternoon. You sure that's cool?"

And I replied: "Yes. It might be awkward, but it would be for the kids. We can come up with some 'ground rules,' to make it work for all of us. But I trust, together, we can make it work for them."

And he replied, "Yup."

I hate myself right now. I regret asking him in the first place. He's right: I DID think there was still a chance for us to be together when I offered for him to come down for the weekend.

But NOW? Now, I feel differently. I feel strong ... but I feel I COULD be weak. Does that make sense? I'm in a good place, but I think it's because I've held him away for a couple weeks. The "old me" wants him to spend some time away from work, relaxing with the kids (and, yes, me - though I feel desperate and stupid for even admitting that now). That's who I was before I honestly understood - like, REALLY understood - he fired me as his wife. The "new me" - the one who was fired as a wife for OW and totally gets that now - wants to move on and not have anything to do with him. And I still believe he needs to feel the consequences of his choices (though I fully understand I'm not the one who can make that happen), and he'll never feel the blow of his choices until I'm totally out of the picture.

So I'll stand by my word to allow him to come down here and spend a day or two with the kids. But I need immediate help on how - and WHEN - to drop the boundary about him not texting OW while he's here.

And that could change the entire "ball game."

I had a short chat with S7 tonight about his dad spending a couple days here. I (enthusiastically) said: "Daddy's talking about coming down here for a couple days this weekend; you cool with that?" And he said: "I'd like that, but I don't want him texting OW while he's here. I just want him to play with us and not be texting her." D17 said the very same thing during the conversation.

So, what do I do? I don't want H to think *I* am being jealous and controlling by dropping that boundary. But I've heard my kids, and I know how *I* feel, too. And I think, out of respect for our family, H should refrain from texting OW while he's here. Though I think that should be a given, I think it's something I'll have to address with him, unfortunately, because he's as selfish and self-absorbed as the day is long.

So give me some ideas, guys. I know you have them ...