Thanks for the comments Nettles. I feel guilty/insecure about my ability to provide for D2 as I want the best for her. This insecurity was a motivation for prioritising career over relationships before, and that didn’t work out well for me. I want to work towards prioritising relationships over career, or at least have a more satisfying balance.
There’s also denial. It’s hard being separated, new country, new job, being a single father – so many changes and I find myself in a situation I’d not planned for. At times, I hurt so much that I feel like getting back on the plane and leaving this all behind. I know that my WAW probably would like me to do that too – right now. She’s said that she would support me working overseas with D2 – no details about what that would mean. Practically, it would mean seeing D2 even less than once every 2 weeks.
I can W wants as little to do with me as possible. My parents also want me to consider leaving, I guess they don’t like seeing me in so much pain, and have less hope than me about improving things with W. But I don’t feel that’s right for me. I want to be a loving father and support D2 as best as I can. I also want to support W – and be compassionate and kind to her – even if we don’t get back together. My feelings are that even if no romance could happen again - a friendly co-parenting relationship would be ideal for D2 and me and W. This seems responsible and right to me.
This last week, I’ve rocked the boat with WAW by asking for more time with D2. It’s very sad to see that she is still very untrusting and fearful. It’s like anything I say that is will cause her difficulty is because I am playing “power games” or “controlling” or “minimising her ‘view’”. She asserts that my behaviour continues to be similar to what she didn’t like before. This is hard to take because I’m trying so hard to be different, and I disagree.
I can’t take responsibility for her ongoing refusal to pursue trust/some form of reconciliation, but it does make me feel bad (as I played a role in her being in this situation) and I love her.
I’m thinking through some options now. I don’t want anything too dramatic to change for D2. But I’d like to see her once every week – some time mid week, and I’d like to see her on at least some of the public holidays (perhaps we can decide which ones and alternate each year). The way the system works here, is that you try to agree first, and then the process gets more structured (started off with some alternative dispute resolution type service and, if that fails, the courts). After our recent conversation didn’t go well, I’ve proposed that we advance this topic via email.
