Loot and lawyers ...

[Train]

What an awesome day on the beach with my kids! For the first time since we've been here, the sun was fully shining, and the temperatures were warm enough to soak up some rays ... and for this momma to drink a few cold ones in the sand. Yay!

H texted this morning, asking how things were going. I replied: "going great." Then he said he hasn't "bothered" to call the kids because every time he calls, it's always "f'd up with background noise and commotion." (That "background noise and commotion" would be other happy kids ... you know, things that would have made him happy three months ago ...) He ended that text with: "and now you say your phone is screwed." (That's the result of a text I sent Saturday night to tell him to call D17 if he couldn't get in touch with me for S7 and D2 because I jumped in the ocean late that night with my phone in my pocket, but I told him even then that the phone would eventually be fine ... I was just having volume issues with it.)

Anyway, I just replied: "Phone's a-ok now."

Later, he texted asking for photos of "all the beach bums." So I sent him a couple pictures of S7 and D2.

And that's that.

He had texted a couple days ago, asking if I was drinking beer under an umbrella on the beach ... something he and I used to enjoy doing. I'm just sending back short, but polite, texts if/when - but ONLY if/when - he asks a question. He's not texting often. Maybe 2-3 times a day, if at all.

I DID get hit on Saturday night in the condo bar. It's not a bar, per se. I mean, it IS. But kids are welcome, and karaoke was Saturday night. My sister and I - along with several of our kids - had a BALL! This handsome man was in there, also with his son. Before he left, he approached me and asked me if he could tell me something without offending me. I said sure. He said, "You are a very attractive woman ... (insert blah blah blah things here) .."

I said thanks, looked down at his finger and BOOM! Noticed the ring. I just shook my head. It sank me for a minute, realizing that maybe all men are pigs. Then I remembered this very board and thought: Nah. There are a few good men out there. Unfortunately, y'all are strangers. Oh, and HAPPILY MARRIED.

***

On boundaries ...

As I mentioned in a prior post, I usually don't EXPRESS boundaries. Right or wrong, I just decide in my mind what my boundaries are, and I tailor my behavior, actions and attitude to enforce said boundaries.

But one boundary I need to set for ME is that H - if he's ever in my presence - does not text OW. I feel it's incredibly distasteful and disrespectful for him to do this. (I know, I know. *MY* H? Distasteful and disrespectful? Say it ain't so!!)

This would be a newly-stated boundary for me. (I would also like to set a boundary that he does not text the wh0re while with our children, but I know - with us living separate - I can't enforce that, so it's dumb to try to set that.)

But let's say, for instance, H is in our/my home after I have stated my boundary. And let's assume he starts texting. First, how do I know if he's texting HER and not someone else? How do I handle it if he IS texting her? I can ask him to leave. And he can say no. How do I enforce a boundary like that once I've stated it?

He's not in the house much these days, and I imagine his time around me will dwindle even more now that I've distanced myself more and he's responded by being a complete douchebag and pulling the financial carpet out from under me.

But how do I state my boundary? WHEN do I state it? And how do I handle enforcing it?

Let me be fair and give credit where credit is due: I have noticed, in any interactions recently, that he has not been on his phone, which is different than how he was being at first. Those two Sundays that he spent with the kids at our house? He was texting her while sitting on the couch beside ME, watching TV. The past couple times I've seen him, he hasn't even been on his phone. OR, if he's been on his phone, he always makes a comment about a friend/coworker ... *seemingly* to let me know that's who he was talking to (and not OW).

BUT, I'm concerned that H is going to be in touch about potentially spending the weekend here since that's something I had mentioned to him a month ago; as I've posted before, I told him then that he could spend the weekend here in exchange for me taking three of his days to bring the kids here for over a week. Since I told him that, though, I've gone "dim." And he responded by pulling back his financial support by $1,300/month. I don't want him here. I don't want to be around him. But even on Thursday, when he dropped the kids off, he asked, "Am I not invited anymore?" I didn't exactly answer, which was stupid. But I hadn't prepared for a response, because I just assumed he'd KNOW - considering the tension between us - that I wouldn't want to be around him.

I think, through my non-response, he got the point. So I can't imagine he'll want to come here. I also CANNOT IMAGINE that OW would be okay with him spending the weekend here. But he's full of surprises lately, and he knows exactly where I am because it's my sister's place, and we've been here several times as a married couple.

So, if I can't hold him off, and if he ends up here, how would I set the boundary about no-contact with OW for two full days? How could I state that boundary BEFORE he comes (IF he comes and gives me warning)? Chances are: If I state it correctly, he's not going to agree to it, and THAT is exactly what will keep him away if he asks me about coming down.

Anyone out there with experience? .... Starsky? ... Lol.

And also: What's up with my girlfriends saying I'm being "too nice" to H because I refuse to engage him? He says something stupid and mean, and I reply: "Okay thanks," or something to that nature. I'm trying to be like water, letting everything - the good, the bad, the ugly - roll off my back. I guess most people expect to see me fight things out? Fight fire with fire? *AM* I being too nice by generally ignoring his crap comments???