Good and bad day on Easter.... Like many of you LBSers out there, yesterday was one of those days that both hurt and make you hope. I can't help but think that this is probably the last Easter I will spend with my family as a family, W included, maybe forever. We went to W's mom's and all her realatives were there (mine all live 1600 miles away since we moved 20 years ago). They all love me and while my W doesn't know that her Aunt, uncle and cousins all know about her plans to leave me, her mother told her sister and her sister told her daughter and so on down the line so while she still thinks she is hiding it all from them, they all know. The thing is they all can't understand what she is thinking. We always had one of those marriages where everyone thought things were so good. W's grandmother once said how lucky W was to have someone who so obviously loved me and would do anything for her.
They all mean well when they come to me alone and tell me how they love me and no matter what, I will always be part of the family and I will always be welcomed. If I didn't know that my W was leaving, you would never know it from the way she acted. She was friendly to me, took pictures, talked with me and in groups. the only things noticeable were how she sat as far from me as possible at dinner. Our oldest daughters boyfriend came and he is such a good kid and it's one of those days that my 14 year old D still acts like a kid hunting eggs with the youngsters. It was all so bitter sweet. On the way home everyone was laughing and happy and talking about the day while my W was busy posting pictures to Facebook, not one of which included me or even a mention of the fact that I was there! She got all excited by all the people who "liked" her pictures. It's like she gets validated that she is a "good person" because these people showed an interest in her. Some of them are even my realitives (they don't know what's going on yet, only my parents do)how can she be so happy for attention from them knowing she is planning to leave me and do all the hurtful things she does.
There were times during the day that I almost forgot how I only have a few more weeks before my W goes out on her own to "find her joy", how she tells me that I'm the reason she is so unhappy and all she needs to do is get away from me and everything will get better. At one point she actually touched me, getting the confetti out of my hair and she looked at me the way she used to. These are good days but almost too good because as soon as we leave she goes right back to the person who blames me and her marriage for every bad feeling she has. It's almost like it gives me false hope. Anyone else experience this?
Than there is the way my W avoids going anywhere near a church. Now, for a few years now we haven't been an every Sunday family but she would never miss Easter and Christmas, now she gets angry if I suggest we go as a family even on Easter Sunday! What is that about? Is it guilt? Is it a way to push herself away from me? Her parents didn't go to church at all when she was young. She always wanted our kids and even herself to have more of this type of thing in her and their lives, now she runs the other way. I do know her father makes fun of church going people and wouldn't have even had her baptised if not for her mother. Another way to impress him?
I don't know, maybe the stress and pain is just getting to me more right now. Maybe I need to just accept that I had a bit of my old W back, even if just for a short time yesterday and be grateful for that. Stop thinking about why and just do what I need to do for ME but holidays like yesterday are hard.
