GM, I know that she is not deliberately seeking to take punches at me - she is just living her life. I think I am just sensitive that that life is still without me....notwithstanding, I will get over it - I don't have much of a choice.
25 - I don't know if your are still following along with all of this insanity, but my last question to you was what does "goodness" from me look like to her? You mentioned in one of your replies that over time she will see goodness in me that will run counter to the narrative that she holds onto....and probably propagates. Was me breaking down and and replying to her text (nicely) and letting her know briefly how S's easter went and sending a short vid of him finding his easter basket......was that "goodness"?? Because d@mn that was tough to do. And, in her eyes, I feel as though it is tacit acceptance of everything on my part....and I am still struggling. At the same time, my heart literally would not let me ignore her request....I tried. I felt bad NOT responding, I felt bad ACTUALLY responding.
In the end, I know I probably did the right thing - but as I noted in my previous thread I am learning that it is tremendously hard to do right by someone that has burned you so badly and left you a little dead/hollow inside. There may be no mud on the high road, but there are a lot of bumps.
Reflecting on Sunday, the Easter service at church was interesting. I am not theologian and I can barely tell the difference between God's voice and my own (seriously) but at times there have been piercing messages at that church for me. Somewhere about a million posts ago I remember sharing that I went there for the Christmas Eve candlelight service at night....feeling pretty well busted and broken and looking/praying for answers and relief. Now, this is where I can never tell if it is God or me just "thinking" but somewhere in the middle of the tears in that service this hit me in a very divine/spiritual place:
"Give her back to me, she has always been mine. I still have work to do with her and your work had to come first."
That moment is tattooed into my brain - even though I forget at times - and in that instant I felt a calm that lasted me for days....days.
The message yesterday was about the notion of death and rebirth (fittingly so with the holiday) but spoke of how some of you has to die in order to make room for what is new....better. But more importantly, the message discussed the pain involved....and paralleled it to crucifixion. It is agonizing, gut wrenching, depleting, and can bring you to terrible places....but it is necessary for rebirth and we aren't promised a pain-free experience. I don't know...I kind of spoke to me, with S on my lap the whole time. Again, I am no theologian nor am I a proselytizer/zealot....just a regular person seeking answers to a crummy situation. Maybe that helped a little....and maybe it will help me accept and make room in my heart for something better.....whatever that may be.
After ruminating on all of that yesterday, I went to bed feeling guilty. I felt guilty for holding feelings of hatred towards my ex, I felt guilty for wishing her ill, I felt guilty for the jealously that runs through me.....jealous of her for finding someone, jealous of him for be on the receiving end of the affection that I so badly wanted. Not wanting my S around him, but wanting him to be good to my son for his sake. My eyes welled up (yeah, yesterday was a "crying" day....please don't judge) and my conflicted brain just faded off to sleep.
I feel like I keep whiplashing between moods and feeling, acceptance and sadness, hope and despair, clarity and confusion. Still....the net feeling is one of loss. I am bothered that I still miss her so much, or who she was to me.
Today I started accepting the fact that I have to do a very difficult task as part of my healing. I have to go through my computer and delete all of the pictures of her....of us. They are all arranged chronologically so it will literally be like watching the story of our life together unfold and then vanish. I have been putting it off for well over a year and I do not look forward to it. Seems like the type of thing you do with a bottle of wine. When I think about having to do that, all of the scenes from our life and memories flood into my head....first date, spending time with friends, holidays together, vacations, our wedding, the birth of our son......and I wonder where did all of the love and kindness from those things go for her? I don't think I have heard so much as one single reminiscence of good times from her since the day she dropped the bomb. That burns a bit...was I living them alone? Was I living a lie?
Guess I need to dump my wedding ring and some other sentimental gifts from her that I have been clinging to....that's gonna be hard, but I think I have to in order to press on.
