Barrybran

[Barrybran]

This is a REALLY long post so I apologise in advance.

I wanted to go back and touch on this again...

Cause I feel as if this can be a good road-map for you..

I had a go at defining each quality. I did this relatively quickly but I did it when I was calm and relaxed and on my own rather than trying to force answers.

Think about it this way...

You already have all of your answers, you have just been asking the wrong questions....

What I see here, although they are a GOOD start, are more of a skillset than an ingrained quality...

Try chiseling down these things, and pinpoint where they fit into who you are at your core....

I finally had a go at each of these questions. Here goes.

Reliable
- To me, someone who is reliable would be someone I can call upon to help me with things. They may not always be available but I know that when they aren’t, they have a genuine reason and they will endeavour to be available in the future.

This also ties into being loyal, faithful, and trustworthy. And since I noticed this three times on your list, what is it, that makes you focus so much on this quality ?

Is that something from the past ? Abandonment issues perhaps?

I cheated on my wife. When I was doing it, I was shocked that I was not only capable of doing it but willing to go through with it. I knew what I was doing, I knew it was against who I was at my core and yet I did it anyway. I also feel that I’m someone who is a “gunna” as in “I’m gunna do this” or “I’m gunna do that” and never follow through with it.

When it comes to work however, I follow through with it most of the time. I say most as I am very dedicated to my work and I understand that I’m there to do a job. I also understand that I work hard and sometimes I need to have a bit of downtime, even at work.

As for the abandonment issues, I don’t know. I’ve never felt that I’ve had every desired trait in one person though I understand now that different people will fill different needs for me and that’s OK. There have been times I’ve felt I’ve not been able to rely upon anyone and I’ve felt alone in the world and I don’t want others to feel that way.

Good listener
- I feel a good listener is someone who makes eye contact, doesn’t look around the room and isn’t doing anything distracting such as fiddling with their fingers or playing with their phone. I feel that when someone is listening to you, you have a connection with them.

How have you GIVEN this in the past ??

How important is it for you to give, in order to receive this ??

Honestly, I’m not sure that I have given this in the past. I think I’ve always tried to fix peoples problems by adding my own two cents rather than being the wall that someone needs to talk to. As LFW has uncovered, I’ve always felt superior to others and I’ve treated most problems as solveable rather than taking a step back, listening and offering advice only if asked.

I don’t know that it is important to give it to receive it. I’m sure I’m going to find out though. LFW suggested changing the way I deal with my son and already it’s reaping benefits because I’m listening to him instead of forcing my way on him. In less than two weeks he’s opening up to me, telling me things I might be “mad” about (I’m not mad about them though I now understand why he would feel that way), and tonight, he even asked to do something with me instead of my wife which hasn’t happened in a very long time. I guess I feel that it’s important. I can’t honestly say that I know it’s important yet.

Good communicator
- A good communicator to me is someone who is clear and concise, polite, uses the appropriate volume and tone of voice for the situation and most importantly, knows what they want to say.

Like I said above....are you able to give this ?

Are you clear and concise ? OR do you flounder around aimlessly without really making a decision ??

Are you able to remember details of every conversation ??

Are you a note taker ??

Try following this rule...

Listen without defending, and speak without offending

This also ties into being a good listener...

What quality would you say that ties these together ??

I don’t know that I’m able to give this yet. I would like to be able to be a good communicator though. It is important to me that I am understood when I speak and I am learning that 1) people aren’t willing to listen to me because I’m not willing to listen to them and 2) I have serious flaws in the way I express my thoughts and feelings.

I am not clear and concise as much I have felt I have been. I flounder with my words and I am even worse with my thoughts. I am the classic fence sitter and my wife even told me as recently as last week that I defer to her way too much on decisions.

I am not able to remember details of conversations as easily as I like. I am not a note taker and I forget things easily.

I would say the quality that ties the quote together is understanding.

Faithful
- Someone who is faithful, to me, is someone who doesn’t cheat on someone important to them: a spouse, a friend, a family member.

I covered this above, and I want you to see that this may have been thrown in with a touch of anger, and superiority because of your current situation....


I do know that this is important, yet HOW important was this to you before the bomb ?

I’m not sure what you mean by being thrown in with a touch of anger and superiority. I feel that I have let my wife down in this way and I don’t want to let anyone down like this again. Faithfulness was incredibly important to me until just before I cheated on my wife. Things went bad, I felt unloved and I had just got married and it was a deeply philosophical time for me. My head was filled with questions such as “Why does my wife not love me?”, “Why do I put up with this?”, “Why should I put up with this?”, “Why should I remain faithful to my wife when she has no interest in being my wife?” It was an extremely testing period for me and I failed the test. I also understand two things now: 1) I didn’t have the tools that I have now and 2) I withdrew from my wife, not the other way round. I stopped showing her love and she responded by ceasing to show me love. I previously felt it was somewhat of an obligation in marriage that you entered it so it should be given and received. Now, I now understand that if you love, you love unconditionally and you appreciate it when it comes your way without expecting it to come again.

Patient
- I feel someone who is patient is someone who can ride through a lot of nonsense and respond to a situation calmly, articulately, sensitively and fairly.

Again....what are you SHOWING in order to receive ???

I thought I was patient and I’ve discovered I’m not. Like the example earlier with my son, LFW challenged the way I dealt with him and it is showing dividends because I am taking a step back, listening to him, and letting him realise his own mistakes rather than jumping down his throat. My girls though are more of a challenge. I’m definitely working on being more patient and I’ve only out and out yelled at them once. I’m sure my blood pressure has increased though

Trustworthy
- Someone who deserves the trust of another person. They can give their word to someone, is believed and their actions support their words.

Are YOU trustworthy ???

No I’m not. I cheated on my wife and as recently as two weeks ago my wife overheard me joking with my boss about something she felt very strongly about. I am trying to become more trustworthy and I am still learning how to do so. I’ve not been back to the main website that I abused since May last year and I cut contact with any women my wife felt uncomfortable with in October/November last year (too late by this stage). I am still learning what makes my wife tick and what makes her ticked off and adjusting my behaviour accordingly. I felt that being told off for doing too much housework was funny. She felt like I was taking something away from her and she was incredibly angry because I’d discussed the situation with a third party which is what lead to me cheating initially (not that I’d cheat with my boss, rather that I’d discussed our personal problems with someone other than my wife). It’s a work in progress.

I know that this sounds crazy, yet when I say that I want to show the world certain things about myself, every day...

I don't have to elaborate about the finer points of things in order to acheive them...

I can say that I want to be Honorable, Loveable, Honest, Compassionate....

And every detail, is in those qualities...

No matter the situation....

Make more sense ????

It makes sense. I feel like I am a the beginning and I need to learn what each of these things mean to me, my wife, my son, etc. I honestly thought I was being asked to break these down the way I have and didn’t realise you meant it in general terms. I take things very literally. I don’t mind in this sense as it feels like goalsetting to me: determining what I want, prioritising it, determining how I am going to get there and defining what will signify progress to me. I can only hope to get to the same point as you. Right now, I feel I have to re-learn everything and put it into terms I understand.