So this year I thankfully have S for Easter. It's been great - I made him a huge basket with some of his favorite stuff and this morning I recorded him coming downstairs and finding it. He loved it. Then I put him in his Easter outfit before church and took a few good pictures of him with my SLR in the backyard. We made it to church and for the first time ever he actually wanted to sit with me through the service instead of staying with the little kids. He was really well behaved and, honestly, it made the service more special to have him sitting on my lap the whole time. I'll admit I got choked up a time or two......dude, "new" Crimson is a total sap about things....especially S.
We went to brunch with my parents afterwards and he was showered with attention from total strangers (I'm biased, but he is a d@mn good looking' kid!). One of the 180s that I continue to live is the "retirement" of my cell phone dependence. It was a MAJOR problem that I didn't even notice and it caused a lot of friction and unhappiness for XW. Nowadays I barely have it with me when I am with others and rarely take it out. I left it in my coat pocket for brunch and left the coat on the chair. After I got up to take S to the bathroom, I looked at it and there was a text from XW:
"Is S having fun Easter?"
I said nothing. I still haven't. The conflict is that I know how hard it is not to have him for holidays....it really, really is awful and I know it impacts her, too. Part of me wants to be understanding and sympathetic and give her details and pictures an video....my heart does not want to see her hurt....even though I am ridiculously unhappy with her right now. ON THE OTHER HAD....I still feel compelled to hold my ground on just keeping to myself. That part of my head thought "If you want to be part of S's Easter, be part of his Easter....the only thing keeping you out of it is you".....relax, I didn't say that. Furthermore, during C when she hit me with OM she said clearly to my face "We are not an intact family...we don't do things that intact families do"....and then went on to talk a little about "boundaries". Am I nuts, or does that sound a little askew relative to her asking about Easter and and inviting me to his swimming lesson?
I'll be honest, guys, part of me wants her to feel the pain of not knowing....because that really is the net effect of where we are right now. It's not a "pretty" place -- not for me anyway. And, in the fantasyland in my head, I want it to trigger her thinking about her choices and the future. Wishful thinking, I know....but still. Then I try to balance that with kindness and compassion....and a fundamental understanding of what it is like to miss S.....especially during holidays. That's when I really question myself....am I doing the right things?
Just looking for some guidance and advice.....conflicted between being kind and being firm.
Then I put him in his Easter outfit before church and took a few good pictures of him with my SLR in the backyard. We made it to church and for the first time ever he actually wanted to sit with me through the service instead of staying with the little kids. He was really well behaved and, honestly, it made the service more special to have him sitting on my lap the whole time. I'll admit I got choked up a time or two......dude, "new" Crimson is a total sap about things....especially S.