Don't know if im on the edge anymore or not....

[AnotherStander]

I have learned. I know I have improved and changes, if my wife doesnt want to acknowledge them or give them a chance, its her loss.

Exactly. Become the spouse only a fool would leave. If she leaves you anyway, well then she is a fool and do you even want to be married to a fool?

[labug]

I was thinking about things a little more last night and one of the other things I learned during this is that while the affair wasn't a dealbreaker for me, the conscious decision to continue it (or the inability to 'control her urges') was a dealbreaker. What I mean by this is that I was really unwilling to let the affair fade out. I wanted her to make a decision to be with me and have the courage and conviction to stick it out. I was not willing to let her play the field and then come back after that didn't work out. That's my conviction and what I believed I deserved and what I felt was right

We all have our dealbreakers and sometimes it might take a while to figure that our. I think for me an OW would have been a dealbreaker. At the least it would have caused me to go no contact much sooner.

I think you've clarified it beautifully and will have that as standard/boundary going forward.

I really feel like the future has limitless possibilities for the first time in a long time

YES!

I have stopped thinking about what I could have done differently since BD. Sure, I could have been more patient, I could have had less R talks, I could have focused less on the OM. Overall, I am very happy with my effort. I took a close look at how I acted in the marriage, I took accountability/apologized for behaviors, identified things to work on and applied myself to them. I am not the man only a fool would leave just yet but I am a lot closer than I was before.

Just be the best you you can be. It sounds like you're getting there.

[trc2009]

That's where making yourself a better person in the end will make all the difference in the world. It's incredibly hard but changes for the better will not push your W away. It may not pull her closer to you either (if she choses to ignore them) but the reality is there is probably someone else out there that can get to experience the "better you." Either way, it could either save your marriage and if it doesn't, you'll be a better person for the next person you are with and have a greater understanding of what it takes to have a successful relationship and/or marriage.

And that's your W's loss if she chooses to ignore that fact. You have no children so your W probably doesn't feel the "family guilt" that my W is feeling right now. I'm fortunate enough that my W came to grips with the fact that she didn't want to break up our family therefore I've been able to spend more time with her and SHOW the changes that I've made. It's made some difference, but we're not even close to out-of-the-woods. It may turn out okay, it may not. Who knows?

I find it interesting that you mentioned your W has a hard time getting over past resentments. My W is battling with the same struggle. One thing I've learned is that we can't alter what we did in the past. I know I wasn't the best husband I could be and I'm sure you could say the same thing. But what's interesting is those past events no longer have ANYTHING to do with us. Those resentments are on their shoulders, not ours. All we can do is worry about what we do from this point forward and not give them reasons to solidify those feelings of resentment even though they will look for every opportunity to do so.

That's why you have to smile, be confident, and be patient if the goal is to save your marriage.

[ye21]

I hear today something that its amazing:

The dilemma is that if you are what you have and things go away then who you are also goes away in the process...

Think about it....

[dingo]

Quick update from me. Its been just over 2 weeks since our last actual discussion. We've had a few email exchanges relating to business type things (taxes, a piece of mail she was looking for, money problems with her condo (not the one she is living in now, a rental property she rents out in her hometown), etc.)since then.

She claimed that she spoke with her lawyer the day after we last actually spoke. She also stated that she was ready to move her stuff out and wanted to come over that weekend. I wasn't available that weekend and let her know to pick another time. Since then, I have heard nothing from her regarding moving her things or anything further from her or her lawyer about the divorce or business related to it.

These delays are somewhat eroding my resolve and I have to remind myself that the current situation is 100000% unacceptable and that I need to be firm on that and firm with her. I havent slipped up yet though - other than in my own head.

Another thing I still struggle back and forth with is guilt. Wishing I did somethings different during the M, believing that everything is my fault, etc. Still working on letting go of that as well.

[labug]

We can't go back, we can only go forward.

Recognize that you did some things wrong, resolve to learn from that then let it go.

[dingo]

Hi guys- just a quick update with not a whole lot to say. It's been just about a month now since she said she was dead set on a divorce and nothing was going to change her mind. I have been completely dark since that day- responding to emails/texts very simply and to the point. Most of these have been pretty businesslike but none have been about the divorce.

We did have one conversation a couple of weeks ago about things and her comments led me to believe that she is, once again, trying NC with OM 'while she makes her decision'. This has been her standard phrase since BD when she wants to back off her divorce soap box.

So my date of May 1st is approaching and it looks like I am going to have to be the one to make a decision as I don't think she has done a single thing to get divorce started again or to start to move back towards me....

[zew]

You've set a date of May 1.

You may be dead set on that, but let me throw this in. Purely date-driven decisions are almost always bad. She hasn't gone ahead with the D. She may be breaking up with OM, which if true, will put in a whole new frame of mind a few months down the road.

You may have reached your limit, and that's entirely for you to decide on your own. We much each do that. But it doesn't sound like she's at all done.

[labug]

Do you want to be Dd?

[labug]

In other words-are you done?