Stuck On You

[Raine]

Thanks everyone! Your posts mean so much to me. I'm so thankful for all the help I've had here. I love the person I've become. I am so grateful for all the amazing advice that has shaped and molded who I am today.

Scooby, I was BD in Aug 2012, but the MLC stuff started happening way before. I think the trigger event, that started the spiral down to his point of no return, was in 2008. Replay really began in Jan 2011, and then major replay starting at BD and lasting for a year. The timeline has just barely all come together. I didn't know anything until BD and I didn't find out most things until the last few months.

I wanted to share something I posted as a response to rH in the other realm. This was a response to her confronting her H about something that was bother her, and it causing a temporary withdrawal period, which she had a difficult time with, wondering if she should have brought anything up at all. I think this shows a lot of where I am right now:


It had to happen at some point rH, and I think you gave him a heck of a lot of time. I know I did too with my H. I felt I was patient for a very long time, gave him a lot of leeway, a lot of time. But it reached a point where I didn't want the fairytale relationship of pretending that all is okay. That if I just keep my mouth closed and ignore it, it will all just go away and won't matter. But it doesn't. Resentment continues to build. The need to say, "Hey, I was not okay with this. I will never be okay with this," rises and rises. TBH, I waited too long for me, to the point I nearly exploded a few times. No wait...I totally exploded at one time.

See the thing is, I don't want a relationship without conflict. I don't want a relationship where it's always easy, where we magically agree on everything. I want it to be REAL. I don't want a walk on eggshells, constantly worrying what he is thinking, how will he react to this, what does he mean by that. And real means that there are going to be some massive bumps in there, because down to our very core, we are very different. Men and women are very different, and you throw in personality types into that mix, and it's amazing that any of us ever stay together.

We're not supposed to always agree. We're not supposed to be magically happily ever after. Working on a relationship actually takes a lot of WORK and SACRAFICE from both sides. It's not supposed to be easy. If you're the one always bending, and some point you're gonna break. At some point you're going to explode and say "wait a second! Don't I matter in all this? What is the point of this?"

If there isn't conflict, if you never disagree, then who's lying to who? No one is perfect, and two imperfect people come together and have to deal with all those imperfections. Saying that, my H and I have never raised our voices at each other this whole time. We have never had a big ol' classic argument with the yelling/screaming/whatever people assume when you say you've had an argument, but there has been a lot of difference of opinion, a lot of emotions, a lot of hurt feelings expressed. A lot of feelings and needs and boundaries stated. And that's okay. In a way, I feel like I stirred the pot more than once because I was testing the water. I wanted to see how we could really hold up. Even H said at one point he wanted to have a really big disagreement so that we could know just how solid we were.

Good communication skills are a must. It's about approaching it with love, kindness and understanding, no attacking or judgments or defensiveness. It's about owning what's yours and not being afraid to let the other know that something upsets you.

See we get into this DB mindset of doing anything at all costs to get our spouses back, but at what point to we move from that to having a open, honest, loving, supporting, conflicting opinion, actually REAL relationship? At what point do we step off the DB doormat and take those skills and tools we've learned and apply them into a real and healthy relationship where both spouses matter?

rH things like this have to happen to get you to the next level. You've got to build and conquer obstacles together. And just because you don't agree, just because you have a hard time with something, doesn't mean you're throwing in the towel or there isn't a room for compromise. This is where the work happens. This is where it becomes amazing.