MY LIFE IS WHAT I MAKE IT AND IT IS AWESOME !

[Ambivalent]

Gabby and Bright,

Thank you for such sweet and kind words. JTM is a lovely and sweet man. So far so good. The more I learn about him the more I like him. I still think to myself..." Is this for real ? " He appreciates the same things I do, and he verbalizes his thoughts about them and me. VERY heady stuff.

I'm down another few pounds, total 55. YAAAAAAY! Tonight I'm meeting another person from O.K.C.

I'm sure some of you think " why ? ". Well it's so I don't become so dependent on the interaction of JTM. I need to keep some perspective and distance to protect myself, at this point and time.

The person I'm meeting was an individual I met back in Jan. The same time as JTM. Just recently we've been talking on the phone.

We've had marathon sessions , 8, 5, 6 hour long conversations. What a life he's had! Adopted from a WWII orphanage in his formative years. He's 64. Both adoptive parents were alcoholics . Father was abusive to him and beat his wife. He managed to go to high school with honor grades, was an athlete and went on to college. He was commissioned into the Marines and made a good career . He married and his wife was bi-polar and always trying to commit suicide.

Imagine being deployed and having people on hand to keep your spouse from killing themselves. The stress and pressure was enormous. Presently he is a retired former marine col. Works as a contractor and is a high school and college umpire for the sport of baseball. I'm meeting him tonight and we're going to make it a late night date! It should be interesting and fun.



Ambi Valent DB

21 hours ago


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I finally got the draft for the filing of divorce and Pendent L. I added some corrections and suggestions. I 'm feeling okay I guess. Just anxious about going through everything. Filed on grounds of abandonment and desertion. Not going for adultery ( the prostitute ) and Julie. Don't want to go there.

I am feeling odd about it all. Numb? Lack of sensory perception, apathy? Part of me wants it done, the other is ashamed and sad. It may not be logical, this I understand. There is another part that looks forward to not worrying about if he comes by or not.

I spoke with daughter no. 1 yesterday. She mentioned " Daddy ". I did feel a physical reaction. It wasn't anger, bitterness, longing, melancholy or the like. It was a twinge of jealousy, and resentment. Probably because I know she keeps in contact with him due to money, not because he actually has a deep bond. It is a co-dependent relationship. She needs, he needs to be a hero. I am the " bad guy ", he gets to be the good.

I went through Hell for and with this child, and part of me feels disposed by both. I don't stew on it, and am actually okay with the reality. Just feeling the emotions. I need to state that I'm concerned with how things will proceed , now that things are fleshing out in writing. I have anxiety about moving... will I be forced to do so, where would I go, how do I move such a big house hold into a smaller place? I have a bit of frustration over a unilateral decision being made by one partner, which has major negative consequences on the other. Me and yes the psychological consequences of our two daughters.

One person turns everyone else's worlds upside down. Did you know that the marriage contract is the only contract where on person can get out ?

So this is my life, the good and the bad. The happy and sad nothing held back.

I actually slept well last night. I am cherishing nights like these, they are few and don't happen regularly. Today I'm going to the gym, weeding, and then a nap for tonight! I'll probably stop in to a party and then scoot on to meet Paul.