new here. is DB even worth it?

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmlc: I think I get what you are saying. We all have to adjust to this new situation, and I can either judge him/shame him/throw it in his face, or be someone only a fool would walk away from and handle it in a mature, collaborative way. This is my new reality, and I can't change this reality overnight, so I have to handle it as the best "me" possible.

There is definitely a part of me that worries that this fuels his vision of "won't it be so wonderful to be divorced from her. See, she'll be a great co-parent with me. This is definitely the right call.". In many ways I think he is seeing what life after divorce is like-- and he doesn't seem to love it-- so when I am fine with picking up the slack and saving him from the hard parts, I worry a bit that it reassures him that it won't be so bad after all.

we all told ourselves things like this^^ b/c we FEEL bad and we hate acting. We think it 'enables" them to leave us guilt free (as if guilt is a loving goal).

But the thing is, your choice is to be miserable in front of him (super fun to be around...NOT) or to guilt him and say "how do you think I FEEL???" which also won't work. OR

you can be pleasant enough (not silly and guffawing in laughter, but HANDLING things) and capable enough that someone can relax around you without fearing your 'needs' will overwhelm them, (and you build on that ability for him to relax around you)

OR you can constantly show your pain.

Given your history of depression in the past, for which you did not take responsibility til recently, to me, that "handling it" capability, is what I'd emphasize.

Not your "continued symptoms of melancholy" EVEN THOUGH you are saying "but wait, I have the RIGHT to feel bad now!!"

We know.

I'm just saying is, how will showing him more negative emotions on your end, help you? I don't believe it will, at all.

AND IF a divorce were really "all fine", with him, that would amaze me. HE won't believe it and already he doesn't believe that. You have seen HIM showing you that it hurts HIM to do this. That confusion on his end IMO is b/c you are confusing him by not falling apart. He's seeing strength in YOU. That is attractive!

Seeing you functioning, is good. It's NOT going to make him think he did the right thing but rather it will give him second thoughts. But Seeing you mope around miserably and blaming him, would make him want to flee.

Choose which you want to model for him; a woman who got her sh!t together, or a woman who fell apart after being on the brink of it, for some time....

Oh boy. Just when I think I was making such great progress. Sigh!

YOU ARE MAKING PROGRESS~!!!

Ok-- I think I figured out my takeaways: VALIDATE how he feels-- he feels how he feels, and he has a right to feel that way.

Ever see a kid cry and hear an adult tell them "you should not cry about that"...? It almost always fails to sway the child. The child FEELS like crying and so he does.

No one telling him he "Should not feel that way" ever helps. Instead we say, "your feelings are hurt/you feel scared" and then we comfort them. All we do as adults when we want to validate IF WE DO NOT AGREE with their take on things is listen to what they say and not argue it. If they revise the marital history too much, you are allowed to say "I don't recall it that way at all, but I"m sorry you were hurt. If I had it to do all over again, there are many things I'd do differently"...

and you can say something similar when he mentions something you DO feel bad about, like "I am sorry that hurt you and if I had it to do over again, that's one of many things I'd do differently"....

both answers show your willingness to change, neither escalates or defends and you are not being a doormat in either scenario.

And I don't have to be a doormat and roll over to every request. I can assert myself ("How can we problem-solve this together, in a way that feels equitable and reasonable for both of us?") without being nasty.

THANK YOU!

Among the biggest problems in marriages today, in MY opinion, is the inability to resolve conflict without someone feeling that they "gave in/LOST" the round. Or won.

Which is why I detest the "Scorekeeping" done by so many. It never helps a marriage.

Problem solving is what teams and colleagues at work do all the time. Strange that it gets so hard to do in our own families.

I think you're doing very well and there is hope. And regardless, YOU are becoming a woman only a fool would leave and that matters A LOT.

You have children watching you and someday when life throws them a big curve ball, they'll recall YOU