Life in a mess 2

[Grocerykartman]

Andy:

Practically the only thing you're doing right now is looking for affirmation for the ways you are feeling.

And you could probably find quite a few people who could provide affirmation, by either being sad with you, or mad with you, or having your back and telling you that "no, you didn't deserve any of that", or telling you that they can't believe she would leave her boys, etc. Any of that. Maybe you already have some people providing such affirmation.

But affirmation won't bust a divorce. The slack you're seeking won't bust a divorce.

Right now, you are still stuck in the phase where you are being shocked by all of this. You are still shocked this happened to begin with. Then when you think about her messing around with married men, you get even more shocked. Then when you think of the other things you haven't mentioned I think you get even MORE shocked. Then when you think of how she is distancing herself from her boys, I think you are shocked to an even greater level than that.

Think of other times that YOU have been very shocked (over unrelated things). What are a person's natural reactions to being shocked? Anger, sadness, panic, confusion, disbelief, to name a few. So what do people often do as they're experiencing these reactions? They look for others to cope with in order to get them through the shock. I think that's what you're looking for here on this site more than you might realize, even though I would say first and foremost you are seeking an answer to solve the problems you're facing.

But simply coping with the shock and hoping others will cut you slack is fruitless in terms of actually solving the problem. Cutting you slack WON'T solve the problem.

The DB principles give you tools to solve the problem, but you have to get over the shock first and all the panic and despair that go with it. Right now you are not calm enough or thinking clearly enough to apply the principles.

You need to accept the new reality of your life, that being, your wife is not the woman she once was. And yes, she can and did do all the things that shocked you. She will likely do more things that could shock you, but only if you let them.

Accept all this as fact instead of treating it like a bad dream.

I wish you well.













You are shocked at the very notion that she would sleep with married men.

In your last post, you said "I don't really know what else to do" and "what else can I do??