[BrightFuture]

Job, this is what scares me, that he seems to be going backwards. Then I start thinking that he might have been like that all his life, a broken man who could hide his issues very well. At some point it was just too much for him to handle. I’m afraid that he is never going to be able to fix his issues and come out of it.

You are right, I’ve been analyzing him a lot recently. I was feeling anxious and broken again for the last month, just like after BD. I think I let myself to have a hope again. I was thinking that he was coming out of the fog and was waiting for some changes. But, after his comment about the computer, I realized that he is nowhere near the end of the tunnel. It actually brought me back to reality with the thinking that I don’t want this broken man in my life now.

Heather, not kidding, the Amish-looking beard… Maybe he and OW run out of the shaving supplies, LOL. It is a good question about what is holding me up from letting him go. I ask this myself all the time. I don’t know why I feel what I feel right now. I know for some reason I started missing him more. Maybe because he showed me a normal side of him and I thought that he was becoming the guy I married again. Now I see that this is not the case.

I just realized that it is natural part of my thinking to analyze things. I tried to stop doing it at some point, and I think it affected my work search. It affected my ability to present myself as an analytical and solution oriented person. Recently I’ve been going through some interviews and I started to feel more like me again. So, this in turn affected my thought process regarding H. How can I separate these two things? I will have to figure it out.