So h arrived tonight. It's been over a month since the last visit. During the past month we have communicated very nicely with each other. There is no big initiation from him. I wonder about that. He is kind and does reciprocate and even engage in some conversations. He offers information without me prompting and so on.
So he arrived tonight and we were all so happy. I was wondering if he was going to stay here on this trip and it seems he is unsure. He stayed for awhile and then left saying he might come back.
I am not - as much as I can with my knowledge understanding - pressuring. I encourage him to feel comfortable. My actions and words are authentic. I am and have let him go in love. I am living my life without him and without the expectation of him wanting so come back to us. My life has not stopped and I am being the support to my kids with the best I can - I am continuously - daily- hourly - trying to be the best support and mother I can to them. With love. It's all out of love.
I am happy - and. When I feel fear I work through it. I want h to come back and I know ill be still me if he doesn't. It's not a desperate feeling. It's a miss. I miss him. I miss my friend. I don't think he misses me and I am still learning to be ok with that. That's still hard on me.
There have been two conversations we had that have stood out for me. One was a phone call while he was away and he said to me ' I bet you want to push me out of a plane' and. I said no. I don't.
The other was tonight and he told me he did feel some resentment towards me because I was not involved enough in our finances. I told him that I thought he didn't want me involved.
I realise there is so much non and miscommunication between us. However - we need opportunities/time to speak together. I hope that we can create this time someday. For more understanding.
And regardless- I am still going to move forward with my kids' lives and mine. Although I want to mind read my H's head - I will refrain because really- what do I know? I know what I see right now. He arrived- he spent time with me and the kids and left to a party. He said he might come back and might not. That's all I know about H tonight.
What I know about me? I am good. Have plans tomorrow and tomorrow night with my girlfriends. Have some work to do. A book I am reading, a project at work I am finishing off. Life. It's happening and I won't let me and the kids miss out on it. I am happy with what I have built and continue to build. That's all.
My kids want their daddy back so much. And their happiness is my guide. Whether he comes back or not- being the best I can for them is my motivation.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
