My 15 yrs old son announced that he wanted to move in with his father, 2 days prior to school starting... No one knew about it.. not even his father.. there was no arguement involved.. even his sisters had no clue. I didn' t know what to do or say.. i was blown away because he had told me in the past: " Why would you concidere taking him back? We are better now, no one walks on egg shell anymore. " I asked him if he thought about it seriously. if he thought of his sisters, his friends, his entire family? He said yes.. i answered : Well, go ahead..try it, but there will be no back and forth.. one time only.. Your room will always be your room.. you are welcome back anytime..
He got hurt by my reaction.. I told him: " i don' t know what i can say or do? If i force you to stay here against your will, you will resent me even more.. In the first week, ex-H called to say: " I don' t know about this ".. I never wished hurt on anyone.. he has been crying on and off.. he loves you.. He misses you... On my ex's visitations with the girls, he would walk around and try to convinced my son to move back by saying.. so, i long before you come back here? Don' t you miss your friends? When will you move back?
Anyway... My son now visits every second week-end.. The relationship with his sister is weird, sometimes cold.. An arguement broke out beetwin him wnd S18.. She gave him heck for the way he treated and talked to me.. they are distant, careful about what they say or talk about now.. still close but not as close. Ex has yet another woman moved in with her 2 children G13,S18.. and now; my son.. Ex is changing.. in a positive way.. he seem to realise some of the impact his life had on us.. he has been very kind to me since x-mas.. Polite, caring, offering help.. Me, on the other hand don' t trust him AT ALL.. Scared he will backtrack.. Seen it over and over.. I am polite and thank him for his kindness but never call him on anything..
I still feel on protection mode when it is in relation with ex.. It makes my relationship with my son very difficult.. we talk about friends, school, looking for employement, driving courses, dentals and opticals.. responsabilities and friendly fun.. no ex' s home conversation.No ex conversation. No step mom conversation.
As for me: I found myself again.. I am very successful at work. I found balance beetwin home and work.. Me and my girls are closer than ever.. Getting ready for D18 to move to University.. Everything is in place.. I met alot of new people at the store.. made many friends, seing alot of old ones.. I am well surrounded.. My only sorrow is the situation with my son.. Other than that, i am doing great..
We often wonder if we are not the one having a midlife crisis?? I believe that we are.. Not because we lost our mind but because we are FORCED to battle this in order to survive. We are forced to readjust ourselves and our life on top of dealing with them and their spew.. I read somewhere that the spouse of MLCer are the strongest people on earth.. I BELEIVE THIS !!!!
I entered a relationship recently and have discovered that I do have more work to do on my raw emotional state.. When a conflict arise, I shut down. I am afraid to lose ME again. I cannot make our relationship a priority on my list. I knew it would bring both good and bad. This man promised to give me the love I deserved and he does. I, on the other hand , don' t feel like I can do the same. I worked so hard to find myself and now, I feel selfish. I see myself trying to please everyone and it seems like demands keep adding up. I have no "me" time. I voiced my concerned and he told me to take all the time I needed. 2 days later, he broke up with me in a text. This morning, he wants us to go to councelling together. We have been together since valentines day... We have met 3 yrs ago and have been close friends. He was someone I talked to and look up to for support. He knows my entire story and knew what he was taking on when he made his move.. now, I am confused. I don' t know what to do.
Well, I have ended it.. I am feeling like I am doing wrong to the family by being in a relationship. I raised my kids with family first values. I should be standing by XH but I don't want what he has become.. I am off the rollercoaster and do not want to get back on it. Another man cannot replace him. This family is his. So here I am, on my own with 4 beautiful kids. I have been blessed with them and they are all I need.
If I may ask, how is your relationship with your ex h and his relationship with the kids? Is your son still living with his dad? I understood from your last post that you don't feel ready or ' right' (?) to be in a R wit someone else right now?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
There is not much relationship beetwin me and XH. He text me here and there. The last convo ( spew, not last text ) was in Feb. of this year. However, this year, something is different. He has apologized for his spew and had speak out of anger. When my son moved in with him, it had opened doors for XH to become a nightmare for me once again. But since, XH has gotten an inside view of what raising children is. He has also notice that children will play the game to get things for themselves. Face it, my son is 15..None of his behavior is abnormal but I will stand my ground as an adult and a parent. I told my XH last year that I do raise my voice to the kids and that I would have discipline and respect in my home.. 2 weeks ago, XH and son got into a heated argument and XH texted me about it. He was putting emphases on the words " raised my voice, didn' t yell at him like he says I did ".. My answer was: I know what it is like, I am not judging you but thanks for letting me know. XH replied: It couldn't had been easy for you dealing with all 4. I know what Son did to you, I SEE.. I responded with: Life is never easy.. it takes constant work, devotion and determination.. the reward is the " global end product" of all the investment you put in...All we can do is our best. I needed your help and I am VERY thankful that you came through. A few text exchanged has happened since but about basic stuff.
XH has lost relationship with daughter 18. They talk business only with regard of her shcool finance. D18 cannot stand the new OW in his life and has made it clear to him not to come around her when she is with him. My other 2 daughters still see him on his week-end but D13 is starting to stay home more and more. At XH house, her son has moved out last week, after a fight with his mother. My son has been here last week-end, this week-end and is mentioning applying for work here for the summer..
As for myself, you are right, I don' t feel ready nor does it feel right to be in a relationship. I might change my mind in a few years but for now, it doesn't feel right to me.
Thank you for the reply. I am sorry about the R with your x and your kids. Good that he started to SEE what real parenting is like. I hope your son cntinues to come back closer to you. I understand what you mean about not being ready or right being in a R right now. Time will tell I suppose. You sound good etb. In spite of the hardship you seem to know what you want and need right now and I admire that. X
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
My daughter 13 reported their Easter celebration with their father. ( celebrated a week early )XH and OW got drunk and argued all night.. She said she couldn' t sleep so she listened to them.. XH: " Do you think it is fair for my son to see your son do f*ck all around here, he doesn' t even go to school nor have a job. He spend his days locked up in his room. He is 18." I know they don' t know their dad but do you think it is fair to my son to be here and I don' t even know him because he is in his room while I am up here watching movies with you and your kids... " Do you think I don' t love you? " OW: " I don' t know " XH: You re f*cked up OW: No, you' re f*cked up XH: I KNOW I AM.. but you' re f*cked up
LOL, Boy , too much..
But I know the influence I have on XH.. I don' t realize it sometimes but I see it later and I feel bad..
Remember at the beginning of this I had told him that it didn' t make sense to me that he was working on OUR relationship problems and OUR goals but while being with someone else.. That what was a problem to me might not be a problem to her and that our goals might not be hers ??? Well, he hasn' t changed any of it.. He has accomplished some of those goals but has left us behind. He even wanted me to tour his new home to see if I LIKE IT.. I refused. I told him that I didn' t feel comfortable and I didn' t belong there.. OW(s) have lived there.. Back at the father part of the story. I had brought up the fact that he didn' t know his kids. I wanted him to be more involved in THEIR lives not only do what HE wanted but have consideration about what THEY like and WHO they hang around with. I wanted him to BE A FATHER. I think I made him feel not good enough for us. That was not my intention. I wanted him to be more involved with us all but many things were mis-interpreted.. I forget sometimes that DEPRESSION is in him and my words can easily tear him apart.. I know cause I also got very depressed and I was also VERY FRAGILE.. We all do our best with the knowledge we have.. I HAVE MADE MANY MISTAKES through all this. I never intended to hurt him. I didn' t understood MANY THINGS and I am sure I have much more to learn.. I DO KNOW THAT I AM STILL A HUGE PART in his life. GOOD AND BAD..
