I think you know the answer already. Her desire, stemming from when she was 10 years old, to undo all the hurt and pain and "get back to normal" with her dad is stronger than her desire to be your W or the best mom to your kids. All MLCers have a different fog that has come over them, this is her fog. And there is nothing you can do to lift the fog. All you can do is be a bright light in the fog so that if it lifts, she sees you as the light. The tough thing is that you want to grab her by the collar and scream at her at how obvious this is and how foolish she is being, your friends and relatives and everyone else would scream the same thing at her (and maybe already are) but that will only add more fog.
She needs to get back to realizing that her D is a scumbag and this is not the path she wants. But for now, she seems like she is probably feeling happiness at the pain going away and doesn't want anything else to interfere with her "high". If you are the one that does before she is ready on her own, she will view you as an enemy.
It [censored] and your pain is obvious and devastating. As is your guilt over 20 years ago (to which I can relate over bad decisions I made at my bachelor party a month before my wedding and confessed to my W. You can use your imagination what went down by I still carry the burden of the guilt). None of what you are focused on with her dad will make that go away. Focus on your kids, yourself, and your new business. I couldn't sleep well during my W's MLC and would get up and work out at 4:30 or so. It was the only thing that really helped me feel better, and made me more calm for dealing with her and being a better dad (plus I lost 20 pounds that have now magically reappeared :)).
Sorry for what you are going through, it is awful.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
