own buz 27: finances, travel, mediation : STFU !

[makingmagic]

can someone explain how to go slow?... what exactly does that look like?

Worked a full day yesterday. During our drive, I noticed he was moody, unreceptive. I had wanted to share the base of my weekend away so that he understood it was not a girls wine/shopping/men bashing trip as he had expressed. I explained I belong to a large organization of men/women) and the weekend was about self discovery and that I was amazed at the stuff I discovered (I didn't share what).... He seemed interested/jealous that he couldn't get away to do time like that. He is overwhelmed with work and house responsibilities. I said I would pay and manage everything if he wanted to go. I left it at that. Later on, over coffee, we discussed our financial agreement...apparently its a good result when feeling both happy and mad. Reviewing this got me weepy/teary eyed. It also lead to a relationship discussion where he was stating that he is happy that the financials are getting behind us and that he can hopefully start to have fun. He mentioned that if we were not expecting clients and if it was a snowy weekend, etc, he would have asked me to tag along to the family Easter out of town (DD had her own invite) but that he wanted the 3 of us to go. He did state that he has been suggesting coffee time, hang out, etc as a base towards a possible relationship going forward. That many people get back together. He was upset that the previous night I pulled out the driveway in the opposite direction of heading home. This lead to him having a rotten evening and nights sleep. He was also very moody yesterday because of it (he said). He does not like not knowing what I am doing. He said that I could meet someone any day. It just happens. I said, only if you are wearing your "open" sign. He does not feel like he is wearing his "open" sign. I think, he thinks I have mine turned on now. Which, I am trying on... I mentioned the sexual tension between us. I forget how it went but he mentioned that he just doesn't want to have sex with just anyone. That it has something to do with me. I wish I could recall, but I know that it made me feel better. He started saying his "i dunno" comments again. I then said "i dunno either"... that I am scared he will be the same person in a new relationship too" he said "but, I thought you had it all together now that you have done the weekend"... I said "no, i was a work in progress" for example if we were to reconcile it would take work. That If my old behaviour of "dog with a bone" should come out. I would require his patience and maybe a signal to stop. He then chimed in and stated that he would require work too, that its just not me. That he is miserable and he is working on that. He is trying... he says. He was saying that he has learned a lot and is trying to change. He wants to be a happier person. He then mentioned that he would like to go seadooing (and if I wanted to join him), etc... mentioned a bunch of things that included me. This would all be possible once our financials have been signed. This is why he wanted to maintain coffee/connections and getting along in the process. I asked if he was wanting me to reciprocate with offers. He said yes, but that he may say no sometimes. Then our client showed up.

After the client, he was driving me back to my car and asked if I wanted to stop to go p (as I had been holding for a long time). During this drive, he had been mumbling about his dinner options and what he was going to have. Then the convo switched to beer somehow.... pretty sure he was leading. Just before I hopped out of the car, I suggested maybe we should go have a beer (although I was much more casual after his lead...it was a good casual offer), I didn't wait for his answer and hoped out of the car to run into the washroom. When I came back, he offered to go for that beer. I said "sure"

While out for that beer, we sat at the bar. He was preoccupied with all the low cut tops that the waitresses were wearing. Normally, I can handle this... but since BD I have become insecure. During our beer/pizza, we had small talk. It seemed a bit strained at times. We discussed his dads recent split from his long time gf. He wants to spend more time with his dad again. They usually have breakfast on Fridays. I asked if sometime I could see his dad. (I really miss all of his family). He said that would be nice and that I could come for breaky sometime. This is big, as during our relationship he kept his dad private & to himself most of the time... saying that he feared I would take over the conversation and he wanted one on one time with his dad. I tried to discuss his friends & their happenings, but he didn't have much to say. He doesn't like to socialize with his married friends, as the wives don't seem to enroll him. His single friend is having a rough exit from his marriage and doesn't seem to be a positive influence for him. I brought up my new friends and he seemed a interested in hearing about them. Especially the new wealthy friends. He stated that money doesn't buy happiness. I said I agreed, but their relationship seemed to have it all.

I drank only one beer, he had two. Then the bill came. He did not seem to want to rush, so we continued to sit there. I found it difficult to find things to talk about. We usually always talk about work. I was really hoping to have some laughs, but it just wasn't coming. I suggested we share another beer, he said he was done as he had already had two. We sat for a while longer, then he started to put on his coat. I followed his lead and we left. In the parking lot, I had jokingly said "that wasn't painful"... he laughed and said "no, it was good". He then drove me back to my car, handed me my keys. I didn't linger. I rubbed his arm and said thanks for the beer & good night. He said he will call me tomorrow. (We have a client appointment at 6pm).

Is it normal that is was a bit strained? The night before beer with an old friend, was full of belly laughs and direct convo. I hope that he didn't have high expectations that this would be an awesome fun time... and isn't turned off now.

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So... today.... I am trying to put the focus back on me & trying to figure out what the heck to do on a day off! DD is STILL sleeping.... I expect she will sleep till 2pm!!

I will browse around on fb, pinterest, web, .... then do some exercises. Maybe a little house cleaning. Then...???? I have options this weekend (nice).... one friend has invited me on Saturday night, over night to go to his/his gf new place that they are building out of town for bonfire/drinks. Then on Sunday, my new friend has invited me to her place for Easter dinner with her family (steak, yum!!).