New here - H's MLC hit like a ton of bricks

[BrightFuture]

LiveNow, it looks like your H is one of these mild MLCers. So is my H. He would totally apologize for something like that. However, I’ve noticed that he treated me differently in the last year and a half. He would not thank me for forwarding his mail, sometimes even didn’t acknowledge it. He would take something for granted, like we would be still married. Only recently he started to treat me better.

My H also has been a nice guy for everybody. I know that a lot of that was sincere. I just think he was still hiding his real feelings sometimes, holding them inside.

[LiveNow]

Yes, I think my H is a combined MLC/WAS, and may have more moments of clarity than some MLC'ers, who are REALLY in la-la land. Mine does come and visit reality every now and then. He held his real feelings inside for much of our marriage, as it turns out. I did a fair amount of that, too, so both of us are to blame. He's still doing this now, of course, so we are not talking much at all these days. Another reason he is not talking much is that he is angry that I am angry about OW. Huh.

tld -- the waiting until the work thing is done -- sounds like just an excuse to me. He doesn't really want to actually DO it, perhaps? My H has 'threatened' D 4 times now. So far, his actions just don't match his words...

[nyk]

I get the "soap opera combined with a game of chess" analogy. I leave the house wondering if I played it correct. If I said something she could use against me later or gave her information to attack me with later. I think part of detaching is letting them think what they will and getting on with life...but it is SO HARD.
I just try to make things more normal for the kids and be involved.
I offered to take her motorcycle to the shop if she needs it in exchange for baked goods. I then spent the next few hours second guessing if she would take the offer as she couldn't do it herself and is only good at baking.
I then realized I could bake the stuff myself once I get into new apartment (no oven here) and my offer was out of kindness not control.
My head spins about this stuff sometimes....

[LiveNow]

nyk -- yes you can bake anything you want yourself! Heck, I'd bake you something. I'm good at that too, and there's only me here to eat whatever I bake! Interestingly enough, my H has said several times he really misses my cooking. Keeps saying he hasn't had a good meal in a long time...

Yes, I am still watching too carefully what I say and how I say it. I think I just have to stop caring altogether because, really, it seems as if nothing I've said for the past 10 months has made ANY difference at all. So it just doesn't matter, I guess. He'll do what he needs to do in the end.

[scooby]

The way people explain detaching, it seems so easy. Then you try it and realize it is freaking hard. Thanks for all the words of wisdom so far.

[nyk]

Thanks LN! What I love about today's day and age is that if you do not know how to do something; Google it. I will be baking banana bread and pumkin muffins as soon as I am in the new place.

Today's task-cooking Easter dinner for the kids using my convection oven. I bought a small ham and will have instant potatoes with cook and serve rolls and green beans. So far I have aced meals here according to the kids so I will try to retain my perfect record! Hahaha.

Have a Happy Easter!

[LiveNow]

Ok, so, not much of an update to make, but thought I would check in with a few thoughts. So far it's been about 3 weeks since the last time (actually the 4th time, IDK, I lost count) that my H said he wants to end it, over the last 10 months. When he left, I said I would let him know if I thought mediation was an option for us. I have not yet responded, and we have not seen each other, nor has he asked. (Just a couple of texts back and forth about some mail for him here at the house. He keeps texting 'sorry to bother you...') Meanwhile, I have been doing all of the outside spring cleanup work - and there is alot. I do not cut the lawn, nor fertilize it, and have heard nothing from him on this yet.

He is applying for jobs, and I'm starting to think that is what will finally force him to decide something. If he finds the 'perfect' job outside this area, I'm pretty sure he will go ahead and move. (OW is about 1.5 hours away and there are some job possibilities there currently.) And really, that would be easiest on me too - out of sight, out of mind. I am sure there are some interesting months to come.

We also have a vacation home a few hours away. Was talking with a friend yesterday who suggested he has probably taken OW there at some point last fall. Now that the time is here to open it up again after the winter, I'm finding that I'm kind of obsessing over whether he is taking her there! I haven't been going there very often at all since BD. Too many wonderful memories there. But how horrible would THAT be - he is taking HER to OUR house??? I can't get this off my mind. I can take a day off in a couple of weeks and go there to see what's going on - has he/anyone been there recently, etc. Not sure what to do. I can't stop him if he is doing this. Cannot change the locks - it's his house too. It's really bothering me ALOT. This is the only thing on my mind I haven't been able to shut out lately...

Meanwhile, I have a new life. Just ordered myself a stand-up paddleboard today! So excited about this. Something new I started last summer. With so many lakes around, it's a great way to get out on the water. Also got my bike cleaned up and tuned up. Rides like new now. Looking forward to doing that too now that the weather has warmed up - finally. I still have a group of 6 friends I met last fall in the DivorceCare program. The 7 of us are closely connected daily through texting. I am the only one not yet divorced (or even started the process). The rest are done or just about done. They are such an inspiration to me. If they can do it, I can do it too. And they'll be there to help me through it. I am so fortunate to have others around me who are in similar situations. Of course, none of them are dealing with MLC. (I think a couple of them did have MLC spouses, from their stories, but they decided they had had enough and filed for divorce within a year.)

At this 10-month mark (approx.), I feel SO much better than I did right after BD. Someone on another thread wondered how the LBS was responding each time their MLC'er threatened divorce. Each time my H has done that, I have let me sadness show - but did not beg, plead, etc. This was one thing H always said, that I did not show emotions much. So I went ahead and let the tears come. However, this last time, I did not. I truly didn't even feel like crying. Still haven't, 3 weeks later. I think something finally turned over for me. It was just one time too many and I was tired of the emotional 'abuse.' Whether it happens or not, it will NOT kill me, nor ruin my life. It really sux, but it is what it is. I am tired of using up all my energy wrapped up in his confusion and have felt a weight lift off me. I do still love him, but my new life is pretty good, and will get better. I don't think his life is all that great - still lives with sister, still hates his job, still crying at the drop of a hat.

Detach, detach, detach. Eventually, it works. Let the chips fall where they may...

[kml]

Check out Wenikitiki in the Surviving the Divorce forum - she lives in Hawaii and she's a SUP boarder too!

[praying_in_GA]

LiveNow, I loved your update. Your last paragraph sounded so strong and sure. I am happy to read this for you and for the hope it gives others.

[LiveNow]

An update. Ok, it's been a few weeks, and I have still not responded to my H's question about whether I think we could use a mediator. To be clear, I still don't want the divorce, and I intend to make him do all the work if that's what he really wants. I do not intend to be difficult. I intend to cooperate, but do only what I have to do. I have been pretty down the last few days...

I think if I keep him waiting even longer for a response, he is just going to get angry. Based on experience, this would be par for the course with him. So, I thought I'd send an e-mail that goes like this:

"To answer your question about using a mediator, it really does not matter to me. The end result will be the same – we will no longer be married. I'm sorry that I was not the wife you wanted and needed me to be, and that you feel it is not possible to create the intimacy we were missing. From all of my reading, I know that it is, and that we are not at all unique. But we both have to be willing to make the effort, and it is clear that this is no longer the case."

I could really use some feedback. Am I breaking any rules? Can I/should I soften it up somehow? Could this be taken some way that I don't intend? Any better ideas? I want to send it soon. Just feel like I'm running out of time now. I'm open to any suggestions. Thank you DB group. I'm so glad I have a place to go where I am understood.