Well I am certainly no expert-- still figuring this out myself, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But from what you have described about your situation, and the way you have written about your wife, to me it seems like you need to just focus on yourself and show her (and yourself) that you can have a more positive, even-tempered side. Holing yourself up in a "man cave" seems kind of passive aggressive to me. The advice I've been following is to ask myself, "is this likely to draw him closer or push him away?" What if you just acted like a friendly neighbor or roommate? Polite, cordial, but at a slight distance?
