4th Down And Getting A Little Anxious

[Georgiabelle]

Well, I met with h last night. For a person in the path to happiness (his words), he certainly doesn't look happy. We discussed visitation and D. I admit I did not excel at DBing at this meeting. I got a few truth darts in and I know it was a waste of time. H said he was seeing a therapist for all of the horrible things I've done and said to him. When discussion of an account came up, I reminded him that he said he would be dead by 50. He of course said he never said that and meant he would only be dead by 50 if he stayed with me. I then said to thank me later for helping him live to 100. He is a miserable human being.

That being said, I hope we are in agreement. It seemed that way but he could change his mind. I hope to have some type of R with h in the future (I miss the old version of him) and I was much more pleasant this am. He had no ideas or suggestions on visitation and it reminded me that I was always taking care of everything.

I saw my therapist today and she made an interesting point. There was a large study done by a renowned group of psychologists that studied happiness. Apparently everyone has a baseline of happiness between 1(low) and 10 (high). No matter what happens, you may swing around on the chart but ultimately comeback to your baseline. She asked my baseline and I said 7-8. She said she noticed that the first time she met me. She asked what I thought h's was and I said 2. She showed me where she had written that as her estimate in the beginning of meeting him as well.

She discussed how this same group of experts thought 20-30 %of happiness is genetic, with 50-60% being choice and only 10% being situational or external factors. For some reason that really resonated with me. I am grateful for so much. I want to be happy. Yes, this is not what I wanted for myself or my kids. However, I will choose to heal and be happy with my life no matter what. I think with some time and space, h and I can start to rebuild a friendship. However, that's not my focus. I told her that I own that I wasn't the greatest wife and neglected my marriage. I was a great friend to h. Now, it's time to move past that stuff and work on forgiving myself. Not there by a long shot.

Still feeling pretty good. Getting ready for the Easter Bunny.