afraid I have waited too long #3

[nit84]

Having a bad day today,

I went to the bank yesterday to see if I qualify to buy out my W if she files for D. I do so no problem there but now that I know I do, do I tell her what I am willing to pay and see how she reacts? Or do I just keep it under my hat? If I bring it to her it will look like I am ok with D which I am not.

I know that she has it in her mind that if we sell the house or if I buy her out that all her debt will disappear which is true but I don't want to overpay for the house considering I know what work needs to be done.

W sees this as a way to make a clean break and start over which is certainly her right to do.

I just don't want to give her any extra money if I don't have to. She is already entitled to half of my 401k and that upsets me but I know its most likely going to go down that way.

Its horrible to think but had I know this mess was coming I wouldn't have tried to save as much for retirement and went out and had maybe a better vacation or nicer car for the both of us. The only reason I put so much away was because I thought the W and I would be spending our golden years together having a great time.

Now she gets to take half of something that she might never have had any intention on being around to watch it grow to a nice amount.

I waffle between taking the high road and being a spiteful jerk.

I know I will fall somewhere in between and from my side it will look like I am protecting myself and from W side it will look as if my only goal is to make her life as miserable as possible for as long as possible.

So if I go along with her wishes and let it all go and we D. Then somewhere down the road W realizes that I have truly changed and bettered myself or that it wasn't that bad that with some hard work the M could have been renewed and she maybe opens up her heart to me again. I possibly would take her back and then that just means I would lose all credibility because I would be doing something that could have taken place without getting a D. The old saying "once we are done we are done." comes to mind.

If I am still in love with her that is fine if I take her back but
if I don't take her back, but still I am in love with her, and I haven't found someone else then again, I will look like a bad person.

I know that I am not a bad person and the people who care the most about me know it also but to have my character questioned not only once but possibly twice would bring back bad memories.

I just hate to see someone who I cared for and love very deeply fall on hard times.

TBH, I hope W doesn't but if she comes sniffing back around because she thinks she made an error how can I take her back without having all that doubt in the back of my head?

This is about the hardest it has been to fight the feeling that I need to ask her to try again.