Discovering the buck stops here....

[mizjjd]

Live Now, welcome to DB. You came aboard just as I was slowing down my posting here, so I haven't had a chance to meet you. I skimmed your sitch and am very sorry for your troubles. Not sure how inspirational I may be. You however seem to be an instinctive DBer so kudos to you!

Mr. Bond, which communication offended you?

Last night H told me what he thought of the session - which wasn't much. He felt the Dr. was "on my side". He was mad mad mad at me. One of the questions the Dr. asked me was if my interactions with H were "superficial". I said that to an extent yes, they are. Because I'm not about to be vulnerable to H while OW is present. While he's still in the "if not this one then another one" mind set.

H feels betrayed. (I see some irony here...) I am puzzled by this. I have never told H things were hunky dory. I have never pretended to be happy while secretly being miserable. Lol, I've been openly miserable... maybe not acting out on it constantly but its always been there. Sometimes H would see this and ask what was wrong. And I always told him. Each time it seemed to be a surprise to him - "Oh that? Still? Aren't you over that yet?"

H said on his way home from the session - we drove separately - that he thought about driving his car into an overpass support. I told him I have that same thought sometimes. I have even picked which mile marker would be the "best". H said I made his comment of no consequence because I said I'd had the same thought...?

So, in his anger there was no spooning. And about 1:30 AM my dog started barking. H hates my dog. Everyone hates my dogs new barking habit. I figured if I went downstairs and let the dog out and slept on the couch the dog would be quiet. It worked. And this morning, H "What was the reason for you not sleeping in the bed?" I told him it was the dog, and that because H was so angry with me I figured he could use the "space". H, "Well, you chose poorly again."

Sigh. We rode in to work together. Some R/OW talk. H is angry. H doesn't like to be told what to do. H didn't appreciate me pointing out that I do in fact have friends, while he does not. "At least you know you're better than me." "Therapy isn't going to do anything. It may be helping you but its causing me pain." (More irony... insert OW for therapy and I could say the same to him.)

Sigh sigh. Maybe I should just give up. Entirely.

And H is my ride home... hope I don't have to walk... its like 20 miles...

But it is a beautiful day...

~ Jaye