I don't know if I'm fooling myself or if my mind is just "protecting" me. I don't know if I've finally just had enough. I don't know if this is just a fleeting feeling and maybe a stage that a LBS goes through. But the fact is, I don't want my H right now. I wouldn't want him even if I could have him. And if I'm feeling this way right now, I have to ask myself if I have it in me to fight - over years - for our M and our family. For today, at least, I just don't think he's worth fighting for.
Good questions. I think every LBS goes through this. I'll ramble through some of my thinking ... you may find it helpful, you may think I'm all wet.
Certainly a big part of it is a defense mechanism. I know I don't want my W the way she is now. I mean, what kind of weak person runs away from M problems to an OM instead of confronting them? Who wants to be lied to and disrespected daily? We then highlight all of their shortcomings to justify our decision to not want them.
But then, I realize that I contributed to the conditions that caused her to break away from M as a last resort. And a lot of her behavior now is just snowball effect stuff of an OM addict who made a bad decision in a moment of weakness. And they highlight all of our shortcomings to justify their decisions to not want us, and throw that in our face in the ugliest way.
So there's a dangerous parallelism of justifications that can easily lead to D.
But I believe that my W could not have truly lost all her good qualities. This has to be a veneer. The question then is, will the veneer crack before we're too far down the road of not caring. And if it cracks, are you willing to let it go as just the snowball manifestations of an underlying problem that might be able to be resolved. And if it cracks, are the underlying qualities that you fell in love with still there? Can I confront the possibility that my W may truly not love me any more, and that this really is the new her? Do I owe it to myself to find out? Do I owe it to her or the kids to stand through this?
And while I know that I could now throw this all away and move on and be happy, (getting to that point is a goal for any LBS), the question then is do I go for the stretch goal of working to save this R, because it's the one that has my kids in it, and now that I know I can take care of me, can I really consider which way would they be better off.
And if you're still changing your thinking on all of this from day to day, I'd suggest it's still emotionally based, and you owe it another day.
