I think I belong here #2

[praying_in_GA]

Matt, I so appreciate your going back to read everything! I am amazed you made it through it all.

I am trying to see through his smoke and mirrors. Unfortunately, I am still so enamored with him that I am an easy target! The dating thing is ridiculous. I know he is trying to get me to make the move so he can cheer me on and ease his guilt. I see so many times when he is making himself feel better at my expense. Then he turns around and says he doesn't like hurting me. Today he blamed me for being hurt. He said that if I would just let go then I wouldn't hurt anymore. He is partially correct but he is also letting himself off the hook for his words and his actions.

I do still value my marriage. I still love him deeply and I still want our family together. Through all of this, I still want him to come out of this ready to be with me. Honestly, I have huge doubts this will happen. He told me he knows he is making selfish decisions and he knows he is making the wrong choices but he is going to keep doing that because he is tired of being selfless. He wants to put himself first for a change and he doesn't care about the consequences.

He told me he knows that his going into the Navy will affect the kids but there is something going on in his head. He said it's like an itch he can't scratch and he needs to try and fix it. He said he has spent the last 14 years doing for me and doing for the kids. He refuses to spend anymore time doing for everyone else and putting himself on the back burner. He said he has no idea what he will do if the Navy rejects him but he will not be happy and something will have to happen.

He told me he wants to find someone to be in love with, someone to be drawn to, someone he is interested in spending time with and being intimate with. Knife. To. Heart. Thanks man. We had that once and we could have it again if you weren't in selfish la-la land.

He said the reason he talks to his friend so much is because she gives him fun, entertaining conversation without any judgement. She likes him for him. There isn't any animosity or relationship talk. They just talk about random things and have a fun conversation. He went to her birthday party today at a restaurant. Stayed there for 4 hours. He was tagged in a pic of the group on FB. They are sitting next to each other. It made me sick. He says it is platonic but only because she has a boyfriend. If she didn't he would ask her out to see what she says. Whatever. He said she is full-filling something that we haven't had in a long time. **Yes, I took careful note of this part of the conversation**

He has also told me that his interpretation of our separation is that we are allowed to do anything that we would be able to do if divorced. We are only married on paper but emotionally and mentally we are 'divorced'.

I do agree he is cake eating right now. He is living with me because his bills are paid and I am close to school. I have the good internet and I have the whole upstairs for his use. He has his office/workout room, his bedroom, and his own bathroom. He is getting a new cell phone & plan from his brother. He said we need to start separating things. I asked when he would be getting his own health, dental, and car insurance. He got rather mad at that since he needs health insurance for school and he has no job to pay for his own. Well, bud, you wanted to separate things....but only the things that are convinient for you.

I had a bad night last night. I was a mess. Crying histerically in the bathroom, hating him, hating life, hating myself...it was pretty bad. Then I couldn't keep my mouth shut today about his luncheon with her and his picture with her. I pretty much stepped right into it for the last 24 hours.

I have been the worst db'er in the world lately and it has truly pushed him away. Time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and try it all again.