Crimson......still just checkin' in.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks GM and 77. I am hoping that I find a place of peace soon and can rediscover happiness on some level. Right now, it looks like a place that is about a million miles away from anywhere I have been lately.

When I speak to people, my C, or even you guys here I never paint myself as a hero or the ideal spouse...I talk openly about my faults, not as I saw them - but as SHE saw them...that is hard. To date, she has not reciprocated in the least and has stepped up and owned nothing really. The extent of what she has owned (and I have said this before) is her saying "I ALLOWED you to treat me that way". That's all I have ever gotten back. Her essentially saying she was a victim and not really a contributor.


Dear Sweet Crimson, this^^^ is all about the "Contest" between you and your w. A FAKE Contest....that has to end now.

She and her happiness (or misery) are NOT an index to yours...they are Unrelated.

So is whether she ever "owns" the demise of the m. What your son will know is your close R and loving R with HIM...and maybe a future loving R you'll have with OW... or even a recon with your x wife.

Point is, who cares if SHE does not grow and work on herself? How does that affect YOU? It does not.

Her failure to grow is HER problem, NOT yours. What a relief for YOU! Her failure to grow keeps her in the victim mode which btw is why your presumption that "She gets to be happy" is unlikely to be accurate or lasting and is premature at best.

I think she NEEDS to meet OMs to see you more objectively and perhaps, to see herself more realistically.

Besides, All I care about is how much better a man you are now, than before.

Hey, I recall you when you were first here. You were a man who had never read a book to his son, never changed a diaper, never put him to bed and never picked him up from or dropped him off at day care ...

and now, You are his favorite person in the whole world. So, You "win".

Enough said there.


GM, the fertility thing breaks my heart so much. It just doesn't seem fair that someone can go through all of that just to leave you once you have a baby and then hope to hand that life off to another man on a silver platter. Again - that was the life I was promised. That is my son. OUR son.


You're right. It is not fair. Okay? We agree. We get it. It's not fair. Not to be snarky but to give you a gentle reminder of perspective....unfair? Hey, Neither is Africa...


GM, my memory is dotted with scenes of her in hospital gowns being sedated as we transferred embryos....me bedside and holding her hand to comfort her. Pictures of me giving her shot, after shot, after shot....day in, day out...all in pursuit of our family. That was love. That was love to me...that was intimacy in the most non-traditional of ways.


She has NOT forgotten this^^^...it may be buried under her inability to forgive, which is enmeshed with her own self esteem problems...but it will resurface in time. And if not, well...so what? So what if she never recalls things the way you do?

YOU remember it well and that needs to be enough. She may not ever see the past the way you do. I doubt she will.

How much time do you want to spend contemplating that?



Where did all of those memories go for her? We were strong for each other when we needed it.....and I did my best to support her in any way possible. After all of that, I remember her shouting on BD that "there is no love in this house!". That phrase plays in my head a lot....it burned. I loved her so much. I loved our son so much. I loved our family so much. I just lacked the ways to show it in a meaningful way.

IF that^^ was true, it's no longer so, Thus it is not relevant b/c that data is OUT dated...you are more loving now. Period. Problem solved.

Plus, what may also be true is, she has a problem getting past things, communicating like an adult, instead of silently seething, with perhaps a long fuse but a big bomb at the end of it. That has not changed so, you are perhaps better off for now, letting her learn some lessons with OM and not twisting your heart for now.


I never, ever stopped loving her. And as much as I am humiliated to say it - I don't know if I ever have. If I never loved her, if there was no love in our home -- how could I have fought this hard to save it? Why can't SHE see it that way? Why am I SO BAD in her eyes? Why? Why does she say "we're just incompatible!" over and over again. Why did it take 8 years, marriage and a baby for her to discover that? I'm not blind -- why didn't I see these incompatibilities??


Because You don't see the past or the present the same way. That's just true.

How much time and energy are you going to spend on things over which you have NO control? That is my question for you.

I know the OM is a huge trigger and it's why you are cycling thru this. So I'm just reminding you to be back on track....

how much energy/time do you want to spend on things over which you have no control?

It's okay to process things in your time, but at some point you will have to ask yourself...

Since life is so short, how much of it do you want to waste?



I get angry because looking back on it, she got to make all of the decisions for all of us that will have a long-lasting impact. But now, when it comes to S, she says "we are a team".....I do not feel that way. When I would send her pics and updates of S when I had him, I would always take the time to ask "how was/is your weekend" -- or "did you do anything fun?". In C last week she told me that was "prying into her personal life". Really?? We are a "team" but I can't ask how your weekend was?


Back way off. And btw, what if anything have you specifically TOLD her, since the OM bomb was dropped? What does she know of how you feel?



She also said she was afraid now I know about OM that I would stop sending pictures and updates to her....and she likes them. THAT was her concern....not me, not my feelings in the moment, not S....

This^^ is an over reaction here, imo. All she SAID was what she said...not all that she felt or thought or worried about, but what she was willing to SAY to you. That's not much. Don't read into this so much...

if pressed, you could say

"so after you told me about OM and wanting our son around HIM, your first/biggest concern was about how YOU'D suffer from getting fewer pictures of son? Wow, that is really helpful for me to know. Thanks"... b'c if it is really literally truly the only thing that mattered to her, which I doubt,

then you should see that as valuable "intel" about your x, b/c it really is. OR would be, if true.


she was concerned about what SHE was going to get or not get. I felt like I was standing in a pile of rubble and all she could ask about was her pictures of S??

She told me she is moving to a townhouse near her current place on 5/1. I am just waiting for the text or e-mail that says she is moving in with OM (who I think she has known for less than 4 months)....then, of course, she will be pregnant and/or married. All the while, our embryo remains frozen and will never have a chance at life. Why??

I'm still ranting....sorry.

Crimson

It's okay to rant.

IT's not okay to assume you will be alone forever, never again having a child, never loving anyone again OR being loved again, and then what??

Dying??

Wait, not just dying but dying alone, hopelessly living under a bridge, while wild dogs chew at your corpse???

Crimson, this too shall pass. But I know it hurts and I'm so sorry. I still see this as a possible step towards each other

only b/c I think so highly of you. I cannot imagine ANY OM comparing well to you...but it may take your son to reveal that about him, or to your w, or whatever.

We can hope OM is kind to your son. Kind enough for your son to not dread his "mom time" and that maybe son could learn to see someone like that as a kindly uncle. The more affirmations we get from adults, the better. However, I KNOW you will never be replaced.

Crimson, please hear what I'm saying. Your son will never ever forget who you are.