Thanks Cadet and Nettles. I’ve been a reader for a time and have found solace in these forums. I’m not a perfect student of DBing, but I try to be.
I’m not in the US. I live in New Zealand now - where I was raised (born in UK) and W was born and raised. The course was a domestic violence course for men. The centre ran one for women too. I was motivated to be in an instructive environment verses counselling, which I had for several months after BD. I was worried that counselling wasn’t providing a normative view on my attitudes and it might work to help me to justify/excuse... minimise - things that I didn’t like about myself. I wanted some 2 X 4s!
At first, I was very nervous about attending. I had to rush there from work so I would be always wearing a suit. No one else had a suit. Only a couple of others were voluntary attendees (and I was worried that would be held against us). Several of the men were really angry, tortured souls and they scared me. Nevertheless, I kept going and found it to be a really useful experience for me. The leaders were lovely, caring people. The rest of the group all helped me too, just by being honest about their problems. I didn’t feel as alone or that the my situation/defective thinking and behaviour was unfixable.
When the course ended, I formed a friendly relationship outside of the forum with one chap who gave a particularly honest and moving leaving speech. (At the end of the 4 months programme you read an apology to your “victim”.) However, I stopped seeing him after several one-on-one meetings as he kept trying to convince me to accept that the marriage was over and move on. I found this irked me. Post BD is a personal journey and you’ve to move at your own pace. A year since BD and I’m not ready at all to have another relationship. Perhaps I’m a slow mover, but I’m being honest to myself and situation. Despite the course, he also continued to blame his WAW for his pain whereas I try to avoid blaming & just acknowledge/feel the pain and try to GAL/move on positively. Blaming/resenting it’s like junk food. It's what I used to do when things didn't go my way. Temporary high; longer term problem. I’m trying much more to “suck up” daily frustrations, and over time, I have less to even suck up. (I’d say to myself ‘suck it up for Jes*s’ lol)
I absorbed a lot on the course and I might post some of the content on this threat in case it’s useful. My W knows I took the course. She knows I’m sorry and trying. There have been baby-steps to a better place since BD, and that’s crucial for me – because even if we don’t get back together, I want a good relationship with her for D2 (& because I will always have love and respect for W).
I really really want to be the BEST DAD I can. D2 is an absolute angel and I feel such intense feelings of love for her. Sometimes I have struggled to know whether what I am doing now (being in the same country; less well paid job) is more important that being in another country with a more well paid job on the basis that I’d be better placed to pay for things in her life. Deep down, I know that I don’t want to leave her.
I’m not sure where I stand on lawyers yet, Nettles. My hope is that I can progress things incrementally with the W at this stage.
