Working on myself

[Mic]

Well I have been silent for a few weeks. I have been trying to get a handle on things.
We had mediation a couple of weeks ago and suffice it to say it was Terrible!!!!
He then threatened full custody. Left me an awful text. Since we could not agree the court ordered a parenting investigation. I just filed for a change of parenting time for numerous reasons. We will be going for a hearing for that. It was so hard sitting in the lawyers office today and giving a sworn affidavit of why the children were better off with me most of the time and having to reveal very personal issues and the way I had been treated. I thought "Well this has definitely signed the death warrant on our M."
The good thing is after our first mediation and how horrible it was, and after his text message I was done. He messed with my kids. As mom's know - Mess with me ok. Mess with my kids and mama bear comes out. I have went completly dark. Very minimal texting if I have to due to the children. I don't even care anymore. After finding out a number of other things he has been up to I am done! done! done.
I still don't want to be divorced and be a single mom but I don't want to be in a marriage with him how he is now. I still have that small hope and prayer that in a few years he will be a changed man with God's help-but until that time it is not healthy for me to be in this Relationship.
If he came crawling back today (he won't - I think if I vaporized off the earth right now he would be very happy) I would not think - Oh good he's back. I'd think "Really, what does he want now and how is going to try to "screw" me personaly and financially.
I even told my Lawyer today I finally realized that there was nothing I could do to save the marriage. I jumped through all the hoops he wanted and it would never be enough.
She stated that I seemed a lot stronger than in January.
Now oh joy we get to get started on finances.
She also said the divorce may not be over by the end of the year. Fun! Fun! (sarcasm intended)