Hi Praying... I'm new here but have been dealing with a live home MLC wife for the last 10 months (since B-day, much longer than that since MLC started...years!). I gave her as much space as possible, changed all the things about myself she SAID bothered her and things were going well. Than last Dec. she uninvited me to her company X-Mass parties (both of them) and wore a dress I bought her 23 years ago, since, now that she weighs less than she did when we married 20 years ago, she can now wear and be "sexy" in. She came home from the party telling me about all the men she danced with and how "crazy" she acted. A few days later she BRAGGED that all the people that she works with thought she must have been drunk because of the way she was acting, especially around the men! For my part I stayed calm around her but I made the mistake of venting on a web site and although I didn't know it, she had read it. (And she is so worried about ME snooping around HER stuff!)
That was in Dec. and I have given her nothing but space but she has been acting worse and worse since. Took ring off, stays out all night with her new friends, neglects her kids, won't touch me, etc. I couldn't understand why as I was DB'ing things were getting worse, not better. Than last week she wanted to "talk" and she told me about reading that and it made her decide all over again, that I was the problem. Even worse, she added things to it that I didn't even write. Now, she is back saying the same stupid stuff she did at the start of all this that I had thought we had gotten past! Just remember, no matter what WE DO, they will justify their own bad behavior by blaming US for making them do these things.
I have had her tell me things like your H tells you about how it's not really your fault, she's just unhappy and needs to "find her joy" and then say it was all MY fault because of what I did; sometimes going back to things that happened 20 years ago!His jokes about "wing-man" and saying how "cute" you are are mean and demeaning TO you. My W is one of those people that hates confrontation with others and will put up with horrible people and not say one thing but seems to ENJOY saying hurtful things to me! I think they do this because we are in their way. If we would just AGREE that our marriages were "bad" and understand that WE are the ones remembering everything "wrong" then DARN IT, they wouldn't have to feel all this icky GUILT!
Telling you that you need to "date" other men is such a load of crap...don't believe for one min. that he really means this! If you were to do that all it would do is alleviate HIS guilt. Our MLC spouses KNOW that WE have values. WE value our marriages, our families, OURSELVES, all things they USED to value and know they still should (at least deep down inside)and will use these values against us to get what they think they want. He KNOWS you wouldn't just go out and date others but by telling you to he can feel better when he does this himself. My W uses the fact that I value my kids so much by using me to take care of their needs so she can go do all the things she wants...knowing that I will never allow them to suffer. This way she can know that she can do what she thinks will make her 'happy" and I'll be there to take care of them.
She keeps planning on leaving (now it's as soon as school is over in a few weeks)and while at first she was sure the kids would choose to live with her, now knows they both will stay with me if given a choice..and it no longer bothers her. She even has the audacity to tell me that IF we were to ever get back together, it would have to be slow and we would need to take our time, again, telling me how she thinks it's all MY fault or that I'm the bad guy.
When my W says things like I may find I'll be "happier" when she's gone all I can think is when did she start thinking she is responsible for my happiness or lack there of? When did being "happy" become more important than doing what is right?
Stop ever thinking like you did the other day that YOU or YOUR actions are what caused this. Believe me I've been there, done that, but it takes two people to make a marriage work or not. Since like you, my spouse is still at home I will say that I have mixed feelings about her either staying or going. In many ways I think the fact that she "feels" trapped because she is still living (no sleeping together, she sleeps and lives on the couch in the living room)together. You are doing well not responding badly to his snide, mean remarks about dating and being "friends". Why in the world would we want to be "friends" with someone who could do and say such hurtful things? My wife and I had been best friends for 24 years before all this happened. She has this sit-com idea in her head about how we all (even an OP if there is one in the picture)will someday all be such great friends and co-parents, vacationing together, doing holidays, sharing fun stories...completely disregarding the fact that she is ripping apart her family, breaking her vows, destroying everything we worked for for years, our plans for the future, all in some vain attempt to find "Joy" when all they need to do is be the spouse they should have been all along and the happiness would come! This is what your H is doing. Does he really believe anyone would choose to be friends with someone who could say and do the hurtful things he has?
I think you need to stop being intimate with him but that is up to you. Sounds like big time cake eating to me. If you aren't "good enough" for him to stay married to than he shouldn't be getting his intimate "fix" from you. Remember, men see sex differently than women. It validates men. Helps them feel good about themselves and "wanted". You really don't want him thinking that you "want" him the awful way he's been acting!
About the FB thing. I'm dreading the day that my W does this. I know it's coming! I think the only thing stopping her is the fact that our daughter would see it and she still thinks the kids are clueless as to how bad things are. I know that must have hurt and I'm so sorry he did that. Stay strong! Sorry about the long post but I've gone all the way back to your first post and I so want things to get better for you. You sound like a really great person and you deserve better. Keep working on YOU and your good will come!
