Part of doing 180's for me has been to immediately acknowledge W's feelings when she points out something I've done that she doesn't like or hurts her, instead of saying "yeah but..." or pointing my finger back at her in defense. So when she told me how often she felt like I didn't like going out with/being seen with her...how much she felt like I wasn't proud to be with her, I validated her feelings right away, telling her that I completely understood why she would feel that way--that anyone in her position would feel the same way in response to my behavior. I took a calculated risk and said a little more, explaining how I truly feel about her and noting that the tragedy here was that my behavior had often made her feel the exact opposite.
I was already in bed when W got home from work, and for the first time in the past couple of weeks she got in next to me and curled up in my arms and told me that off and on all day she had been thinking about what I said and how good it made her feel. We ended up staying up for another hour or so, just talking about stuff (non-R stuff), and at one point she grabbed one of her journals and start reading me some of her creative writing. She said she just felt like sharing part of herself with me, part of herself that she had never shared and didn't feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. It felt like a really nice, special moment.
At one point W mentioned meeting up with her yoga mentor for some appetizers tomorrow evening, and without really thinking about it I suggested that once they were done catching up I could meet up with them afterward and she said that she would really like that (making that suggestion is actually a 180 for me, even though it's one that looks like pursuit). We ended up falling asleep with her head on my shoulders and her arms wrapped around mine, which used to be a nightly occurrence but hasn't been happening for the past couple of weeks.
So...seems like these are positive signs...I hope, but not going to get my hopes up. No "I love you" as she went out the door for work today, but got an earnest hug which was nice. I'm just going to live as if her mind is still made up about moving out/D, and continue to focus on my 180's and GAL. Have two GAL activities lining up: Looked into taking drum lessons yesterday, and have a concert coming up in a week or so. I bought two tickets figuring I would get someone to go with me and even if I can't find someone I'll just go by myself.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
