Mondays for days ...

[Train]

Journaling. Comments are always welcomed and appreciated, though ...

I'm starting to realize just how much different this journey is today than what it was for me in 2005.

In 2005, I was weak and vulnerable and completely resistant to change of any kind. All I wanted was my M and my family. All I wanted was my H. I obsessed about it, even though most people - even here, on these boards - commented on how "strong" I was and how well I seemed to be doing.

I know there's nothing "static" about these situations. Things, events and feelings seem to change like the wind, from day to day and - sometimes - even moment to moment.

But the past few days, I've felt pretty much the same: I don't know if I want my H back.

I mentioned (buried) in a previous post that during H's visit with the kids on April 6, he asked specifically "what kind of sex" we had to abstain from; what I DIDN'T mention is that he said something to the effect of: "Well, we can't do anything anyway because the only reason you'd want to is to use it to get revenge on OW."

Something clicked in me after that. It was sort of a moment of clarity that even I didn't realize I was having at the time. My H is protecting HER, even though *I* am his WIFE. How jacked-up is it that he would FEEL that way, enough to actually say it - and say her NAME - to my face? I AM HIS WIFE!!!!!!!! And how jacked-up is it that I just sat there and didn't say anything in response ... but still let him lay on my couch and fall asleep, touching ME?

What kind of self-respect did I SHOW myself that night? No, I didn't sleep with him. And I could use all kinds of excuses and justifications to ML with my H. I mean, he IS my H. And, until recently, I felt intense love for him.

But, all a sudden, I don't anymore.

Right now, he almost disgusts me. I mean, I still get a twinge of SOMETHING - I'm guessing it's jealousy - when I think about him ML with OW. But when I think ahead and ponder him falling on his face and wanting to come back home (not that I'm suggesting that's necessarily going to happen, but when I even picture that), I see myself saying not only no but he!l no. I'm starting to envision a future ... and I don't see him in it.

I lost sleep two nights ago. I stayed up, tossing and turning, knowing that today is the last day I can make a mortgage payment on the house before a big late fee is tacked onto it. And I don't have the money in the account to make the mortgage payment. I've debated for two months whether I should stop paying mortgage here and just "squat," squirreling money away until the bank finally evicts the kids and me. I've spoken with L about it. He doesn't advise against it. But, to me, it's a huge move. Missing the first mortgage payment is the beginning of the end of home-ownership, and so many other things, for me. I don't know where I'll lead my family, or how much time I'll have to "lead" them there, once the bank gives me an eviction notice. This has been our home for 12 years. And just up-and-leaving is not going to be easy, for a number of reasons. Plus, I haven't found a rental house yet that's big enough for us and also costs less, monthly, than my current mortgage. (The mortgage is in H's name only. I'm only on the deed.) And the house is historic and is constantly needing work done, and that's something I can't do or afford to have done.

And I'm TICKED that H has left me in this situation, with the burden of having to make this monumental choice alone. I'm ticked that he's left me the head of a family of four children.

The same night that I was tossing and turning with this decision, I had a dream of H and OW. In it, he was watching a pornographic video of her ... and, strangely, another woman ... on his phone. I was on the sidelines, standing there, watching him in bed. And I still wanted to be with him. There's something fundamentally WRONG with ALL of that.

So yesterday - the day after the crummy night - I had a dip in my PMA. Plus, it was raining out. Yesterday wasn't the best day.

Last night, I went out with one of my dearest friends, and we talked and drank wine. H texted at about 8:45 to ask me to have D2 call him before she fell asleep. I sent back a very emotion-less text: "The kids are with mom and the girls. You can try one of them." And 10 minutes later, H - CLEARLY agitated - responded: "Are you keeping up with S7's school? Every time I ask him if he had school today, his reply is, 'we did a little bit,' or like tonight, 'no' ???????"

I did not respond until this morning, when I wrote: "Yes. S7 has school every weekday."

First, my son is a boy of VERY few words. He's not a talker. And he CERTAINLY doesn't want to spend his free time talking about school. Second, this text actually flew all over me - even though I didn't react in that way - because it INFURIATES me that H just up and left us and expects me to throw D2 in daycare and S7 in public school. H has always SEEMED very supportive of homeschooling because S7 is soooooo incredibly smart. But the night of BD, he said, "S7 needs to go to public school anyway." I would later learn why he's had a sudden change of heart: OW told him in a text that I found that he needs to "push the issue of public school" because "S7 is too close" to ME and H needs to "get him away from" me.

H has ALWAYS stayed out of my way when it comes to educating S7. And NOW he's concerned?!? Our son is above grade level in EVERY subject. And he's concerned, all of a sudden, that I'm not doing enough?

I also found it humorous that he would text his venom only 10 minutes after realizing that I was out, GAL, and not telling him what I was doing or who I was with. I could be wrong, but his responses at such times indicate that he has a problem with ME being away from the kids 2-3 nights a week. But it's okay, I guess, for HIM to leave them ...

Is it possible for me to just stop caring this quickly? Is it possible that my feelings for him are already waning?

Last night, S7 told me that "sometime in March," his dad took him into the grocery store and a lady there offered him "free M&Ms." He said, "I think it was OW, but I didn't know at the time."

How did I react? Not with jealousy. Not even with overwhelming anger. I just very calmly told S7 that I'd make sure, legally, his dad wouldn't be able to have him around OW again for a long while.

The more I've been thinking about it, the more I realize that I don't think H is a "quality person" anymore. But how did I come to that conclusion in one short week? I mean, I'd love to keep my FAMILY together. I'd love to not have to worry about where we are going to live and how I'm going to pull off a job when, frankly, the money I'd make would go straight to daycare for D2. I'd love to not have to worry about how D is going to impact my children. My H is actually exactly right: It'd simply be *convenient* to live together again.

But that's not my reality.

I don't know if I'm fooling myself or if my mind is just "protecting" me. I don't know if I've finally just had enough. I don't know if this is just a fleeting feeling and maybe a stage that a LBS goes through. But the fact is, I don't want my H right now. I wouldn't want him even if I could have him. And if I'm feeling this way right now, I have to ask myself if I have it in me to fight - over years - for our M and our family. For today, at least, I just don't think he's worth fighting for.