Hi Everyone. I am hanging in there. I have definitely been on my own roller coaster this past week.

I did not respond to my H's emails last week. However, he called me at work to discuss logistics about the kids and their vacation. He then tried to talk about his emails. I tried to avoid the comments about talking/not talking. He was definitely trying to keep me on the sidelines until he has made a final decision.

We also talked about Easter. I had been invited to his family's Easter event. I told H that I was not attending. H said that he wants to tell his extended family in advance so that he does not have to discuss in person, which I understand. Yet, what he said he wants to tell his family is a load of sh**. If he cant take ownership of our S with me, then of course he cant take ownership with others. He told me that he was going to write an email and send it to me first. It has been a week and he has not sent anything. I am fully aware that I cant control what H tells others. I also know that he is going to spin a story to make himself look good. However, I will have no part in it.

H, S5 and S3 left on their vacation this past Friday. They are having a blast despite the fact that S5 had a stomach bug/fever for a couple days. I have learned that I will be okay even if I don't get to see them for a week straight. I have taken advantage of getting to spend alone time with S1. The older boys are so demanding that I get very little time with S1 normally. He is quite amazing smile I had an amazing jam packed weekend. I spent Saturday with my mom and SIL shopping. SIL is expecting in September and we bought a ton of things for her nursery and set up her baby registry. Retail therapy is awesome, especially when you are not spending your own money smile

On Sunday, I drove around some neighboring communities to see if I would want to move assuming in the event of D. I just wanted to see what else was out there. I am pretty sure that I want to stay in our current home if it is possible. Sunday afternoon I went to the spa with my mom to get massages since she has some unused gift cards. We have not spent a lot of time alone together recently, so it was really nice.

I had kept myself so busy the past couple weeks, that I just hit an emotional wall on Monday. I was a mess. I seriously have not cried so hard in months. H and his family were posting pics all over FB. It was completely obvious that I was not in attendance. No one seems to notice or care that it would be hurtful to me and/or peek interest in others who do not know about our S (only a handful of people know). I got a few emails/texts from people asking about the vacation and if I was there. It killed me that I am no longer part of H's family. They were my family for 15 years. And then H decided he no longer wanted me in his life, pretty much threw me away and replaced me. And I lost my H and BF and his family. I am always so careful not to hurt others, so it is hard when others don't do the same. I understand that it is their vacation and they want to be excited and I don't expect them to worry about my feelings forever, but I thought that maybe they would be considerate this one time. Nope. It also did not help that H's birthday was on Sunday and it was the first time since he turned 19 that I did not celebrate with him. Yuck.

I am doing better today. I know that I am going to be okay. I know that I need this hard days to keep moving forward on this journey. Nothing worth having comes easy, right?

I am meeting one of my BFF tonight for dinner. She recently separated from her H (due to his addiction issues). She is struggling. Even though I hate that she is in such pain, it is nice to have someone in real life that knows just how hard this journey is.

In less than a month, H will be moving into his new place. And I know that I need to separate even further from him to protect my heart. The half in/half out thing is just too hard. Going to spend the next couple days/weeks trying to figure out exactly what I want.