Wife wants a divorce

[VFL]

I am being the best father i can be to my daughter. 1. because i love her and 2. because my time with her could very likely be cut into in the near future.

I don't have much of a life now because I pretty much did my own thing before she dropped the bomb. Sleeping, video games, gun range etc.

I am going to give you what I hope is seen as a gentle reminder of priorities, and not a nasty comment made in fury, or a harsh 2 x 4, okay?

So, as much as I enjoy target shooting & hunting, ( & I do, although I'd never done either before meeting my h), & sleeping in, and even playing a few video games, were you all that happy & fulfilled with those activities? They seem pretty solitary/isolated to me. Maybe a tad depressive, too.

I like playing games and would only play with people i know. There would be about 4-6 of us from work that would play before work or on off days. But looking back that's all my life was. Work, sleep, pick up our daughter, wait on wife to get home, play games, repeat.

In other words, does it feel like a big sacrifice to give up (or do less of) the video games and sleep, to do things like help raise your daughter, share your w's company as her mate, and to take pride in helping to keep the home maintained nicely?

I completely agree now, looking back i remember her asking me to spend time with her, take better care of myself(she likes it when i dress better, shave more often, cologne, etc). I push back and resist and change when I feel pressured to change. I hate that aspect about me.

But since the day I realized i'm still in love with her it's not a something i have to consciously do anymore. I shave daily, back to wearing clothes she likes me in, hair cut more often but the most noticeable difference (i think) is my attitude. I'm no longer Grumpy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

So far from what I read, your wife has noticed the changes and

she has NOT said things like "h, all you've done is grow up some, & stopped being as selfish & lazy" OR "So what if you make changes?"

Instead, she has said things more along the lines of "NOW You do this??" Meaning she cares.

Oh sure, she is sort of suggesting it's too little and or, too late. But it is not. If she were indifferent to you, THAT would be a lot more worrisome. But she's invested in you, regardless of how she may feel the need to "cut her losses", she still cares.

The question is whether her fears of you & the marriage reverting, can be allayed by your consistent, persistent efforts at showing real & lasting change, in YOU.

YOU are the one to make your case...(right? I mean, does that make sense?)

Makes perfect sense, and I was completely honest with her when we talked about the changes i'm making and they are for me. They will continue even if we do end up getting divorced because they make me a better person

As for giving up, why would you do that? I mean, it's one thing to say you don't or can't see her forgiving you or you two reconciling, (In which case you stay the course but perhaps work harder on detaching),

but it's a wholly different matter to suggest you stop doing things you were, in reality, meant to be doing.

Like helping with the house, your d, and not being in bed during the day when you are well, not playing video games or doing other solo activities, when you have a mate and a young child in the home...your w probably is used to being a single mom, in effect.

She can say (and maybe even believe) that the changes are too late. But just b/c she says it does not make it true, and just because she feels a certain way one day does not mean the feelings won't change. They have and they do, all the time.

For her to see Your changes & believe in them, merely takes more time b/c you have to overcome her presumptions that the changes are fake or temporary.

But it DOES happen. People change and other people, over time, either notice it and pretend not to, or they notice it and admit it. She's already admitting it!

Now i'm helping around the house more, backing her up when it comes to disciplining our daughter and just spending time together. She has told a mutual friend she wishes I would've done this earlier(the 180).

That sounds like a really reasonable thing to say, don't you think? It does NOT mean you are in a hopeless situation. It does mean she approves of the changes, however.
Keep at this.

Thank you, I will keep at this. We have another therapy appointment in the morning after our daughter goes to school. Hopefully she doesn't feel like it's all on her like last time(the therapist said in the first session he sees potential and she should try harder to make this work instead of giving up, which I felt like taking up for her because it isn't completely her fault.)

Thanks again, I'll post an update tomorrow.