Roller coaster and then some

[AJM]

Daring, welcome.
It seems simple when we say to work on ourselves. When everything in us is fighting to keep what we had. We go through a period of self-change to please the spouse. Often we find that the changes are good, but have nothing to do with the spouse's decisions and feelings. I think you said it yourself - he doesn't know how to reconnect and doesn't want to if it can't be 110%.

Part of the question is what you're willing to do. i.e. how far and how long are you willing to wait for him to figure it out? These things take years, but from the sound of it, there is plenty of hope. He's obviously in pain and doesn't want you to leave him. You don't want to leave from the sound of it. Always remember you are important as well.

But you'll have to take care of yourself (physician, heal thyself right?) You can't make him "better" or be his old self. He's going to spin and cycle, sometimes quickly. It's not a fun ride for either of you.

Once you make your decision about what you're going to do, I suggest seeing it through regardless of what he does. Not to say you should be a doormat - far from it.

As a suggestion, look up Raine's threads and read from the beginning. I think you'll find some useful telling of her journey in there.

AJ