One year in but a newbie

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Labug,

I am in IC for myself.

Really? B/c almost all of your posts are about your wife's problems and how THOSE problems were the root of your marriage's problems. And how your lousy r's with your d's are all b/c of your wife...(as if all 3 girls, with the youngest age 14, could be blinded by lies and bias. They saw you first hand. They are witnesses and their feedback about what you can or ought to work on, would be very valuable to get and hear....b/c I have not yet read a thing about what you are specifically working on in you...

I have done a lot of searching, reading and educating myself about depression over the years. I have also educated myself on the long term affects of ADs. I have tried to have conversations with my wife and tried to share with her what I have learned.

This is you treating her?? See anything off about that?


Her response is to not want to discuss it and to tell me that I have a hang up over her depression and being on ADs. When I sit there and watch her consuming larger and and larger amount of alcohol, involuntary shakes and twitching I get scared and concerned and try again to talk to her. Again I am rebuffed.When I approached her family about it I am again rebuffed. I have tried to get her to see the issues with her illness and try and get the help she needs and I am rebuffed.

I am not trying to fix her depression. What I want for her is to get her into the type of counseling where she will learn skills to deal with her depression.

What is the difference between you not trying to fix her, and yet wanting her to go to C that you approve of so she can work on her depression? What exactly is it, that you are working on, in YOU?

Unfortunately she refuses that type of counseling and rather wants to find the type of counselor who supports her beliefs and does not help her to find solutions.

You mean a counselor who agrees with you?

My immediate goal is to get our mutual responsibilities cleaned up and get my personal life less cluttered. We have a house that is under construction and cannot be sold till it has a certificate of occupancy for the un finished portions.I am also trying to work on the relationship with my daughters.I always thought we had respectful conversations where we listened to each other. The problem I found out is that I listened and then offered solutions or tried to fix the issues myself. I did not realize that at times she only wanted to be listened to. I think a lot of men have this issue. One of my 180s is to listen to her and not offer a solution unless she asks for it.

then see your above comments....

I am reading the books, working on myself and doing 180s. I am in IC and one the the things I am working on is why do I want to save this marriage. I continue to DB while I try and answer this question for myself.

So your "issue" that you are working on, is you wondering about why you want to stay married?

That's your personal work? Or the not fixing others? I hope this doesn't come across as a cold slap in the face, but for someone IN counseling to only talk about OR MOSTLY about others problems, is incredibly deflective and avoidant.

I can only speak to what I see you writing here and it's as if you are not responsible for anything significant. you give lip service to "trying to fix/solve problems" but even you don't believe that is a flaw. More like a mistake in tactics.

But the thing is that 90% of women taking ADs have h's whom they describe as "controlling" and or, "critical". They might all be wacky crazy women in menopause...but to me, from your words here, you sound like you are both.

So, did it ever occur to you that you might play a role in your w's depression?

I mean, rather than blaming the ADs, the lazy doctors or the evil greedy pharmaceutical industry, and your w for turning your d's against you,

you could look in the mirror and dig a lot deeper. Your w and d's were in a 2 bedroom apartment while you remained in the house and instead of feeling the least bit guilty about that, you seemed to relish the discomfort they'd feel as if that "taught them a lesson". But it's NOT a spouses's job to teach their partner lessons in life.

As my DB coach said, "Let life do that for them".

Just a suggestion.