Remember the "pile of gravel" analogy that OG_Lou gave you in 2007?
. . .
Okay, so how are those of us who are dim/dark doing ANYTHING that relates to shoveling away the pile?
I see you struggled with how "everything is counterintuitive," too (or at least at one point you asked that question). But how, if we need to "shovel," are we doing ANYTHING by sitting completely still? I mean, I get the "working on us" part. But it still feels we're not actively FIGHTING for our Ms and families like you did, even when you had confirmed an EA.
You can't shovel (at least in terms of addressing prior legitimate marital complaints, which I THINK if I remember was the context there??) until the wayward spouse ends their affair, and asks "what will it take?" to come back to the marriage.
In the meantime, sometimes you are "doing" by your "don't do ANYTHING." NOT PURSUING is a core underpinning of DBing, and it's so counter-intuitive that it's probably the #1 thing that newbies question, and I know you've been here before and aren't even a newbie. Especially men I've noticed (so yeah, sometimes you're no lady, lol -- kidding!) have a hard time with this, as we are natural "doers/fixers" and can't stand just standing still.
The other part of it you're missing is that you ARE supposed to be doing . . . just doing on YOURSELF! Cadet always closes his posts with "your husband/wife has given you a gift . . . TIME. Use it wisely," and it's very true. There's a TON of gravel-digging to do, but when the spouse is still wayward, you start digging on your OWN gravel.
