I know I have probably extrapolated waaaay too far in the future with XW and OM -- and it's not healthy. I think I get caught in the "wouldn't just me by luck if...." world and then assume the most painful conclusions. I think it is exacerbated by the fact that I know she is very baby-focused. She was last spring when we got together for awhile and I doubt she has let that go much....though I could be wrong. She will be 41 in July and I know she sometimes feels like "time's a'wastin'". Ergo, could I potentially see her getting wrapped up in a relationship that is about 3-4 months old? Yeah, I think so. Could I see her trying to get pregnant before the year is up? Yep. And my guess would be if she has found someone that is down with that plan she will be thrilled because I was always so (probably "too") pragmatic about family planning and I think she resented me for it. So if this guy is ready to roll and make a baby, she probably feels it's the "right" thing for her. Remember, her whole rap to me last spring about there needing to be a "flow" in a relationship where no one has to change, or force anything.....things just, "flow". Maybe that is what she thinks she has.
Bug - Thank you for telling me I am taking on a victim mentality. It's painful to hear because I know it is ugly -- but I also know you are right. And I don't like it. I am making headway in pulling out of it. Last night, S fell asleep cuddled up next to me and I thought to myself "F--k her for not being able to see how awesome we are!" -- we being me and S, of course. Because you know what? As a pair we ARE awesome -- he is a beautiful, kind, smart, sweet little boy who is innocent and curious about everything in the world. And I am finally not just a "father", but a "dad" who loves his son, changed his attitudes and outlooks to be the best dad possible and can handle anything with him on my own - the distance I've covered is amazing to me. I teach him love and kindness, respect for others -- and yes, even to respect and listen to his mother as hard as it is at times. So yeah, we ARE awesome. And if after all of this time she can't notice who I am, or who S truly is -- or who we are as a father/son pair, then SHE has a problem. Because finding someone who loves you as deeply and as unconditionally as I did is no easy task. And I have learned from my IC and divorced female friends that finding a man that will admit fault, change, and fight hard for his marriage and family is equally difficult and rare - and is nothing to throw away. So to her claim on BD that "There is no love in this house!" I say, FEH! That house had more love than she was capable of absorbing - and it still does - she just lacked the patience to let it grow. Pity that she overlooked it for her short-term feelings any thoughts. To walk away from me and S now is to walk away from an abundance of love. So for now, as far as I am concerned, she is permanently stuck in second place - because S and I as a pair were her gold medal.
GM - SOOOOOO many folks here and elsewhere have told me she has not worked on any of her problems. And believe me when I say I do not paint myself as "perfect" to them in my past actions. But it remains evident that she still has not looked inward at all. I was thinking last night that there was a period of time not too long after BD where we went to see a C 4-5 times. As long as the focus was on me and my shortcomings (there was a lot of meat there) she was cool with it. But when the C shifted to spotlight to her she said it was "exhausting" and she didn't want to go anymore and she quit. In our marriage whenever she was conflicted with others at work or elsewhere she was always concerned about propagating this notion that "I am a good person!"....and I think that anything that would give her cause to believe that MAYBE she isn't a "good person" gets locked away in tight little dark box and swept under the bed. It's never confronted. It's never owned. It's never acknowledged. And let's be honest -- in this whole ordeal there has been a lot of "not-such-a-good-person" things that went down on her end. It wasn't until 25yearsmlc basically held a gun to my head and said you need to look at YOU and what YOU are that I "got it". There is liberation in owning your faults and the hurt you caused others. I never knew that in my marriage, but I know it now.....she does not.
(I'm clearly ranting again, but at least it is positive)
With regard to blame and non-acceptance of fault, I remember one jaw-dropping example in this journey that pretty much sums it all up. The D had been wrapped up and we were texting one night about something. Her finical issues came up (she chose a very expensive L on a high school guidance counselor's salary). Trying to be honest and empathetic, I said "Gee, XW, I feel bad for you -- I wish I was able to help". Her response? "I feel like you SHOULD help me. It's your fault that I'm in this mess". Logic being, that I fought her on so many things legally that I ran up her legal bills and had I NOT done that she would not have been in such a tight spot. I think I ended the text convo after that. From that GOLDEN example of a total lack of accountability to her claims that S is having a hard time transitioning household because of me, and that I am telling him that mom didn't want to come to this party with us, etc. - it is clear that she has done NO WORK AT ALL in terms of owning not only her issues, but her role in all of this. It is way easier to pin things on me....still. Though, during visit last week she was able to tell me that she forgives ME for my actions and also has forgiven HERSELF - which she said was hard for her. Really?? WTF does that mean? And how is that even possible if you haven't owned anything to forgive yourself for?
I am pretty sure that my days of falling on the sword to keep the peace and to keep her happy are over. She never acknowledged or appreciated it anyway. All it did was create a sense of entitlement. Otherwise, why would she bring up "wanting to negotiate time" better with the C so she can have extra days when she is off in the summer? She is still angry about me not letting her having all of the days she wanted at Christmas time. The Crimson that did that is dead. As dead as the Crimson that was out of touch with his wife and marriage before the bomb. I no longer have to go out of my way and give to show her that things can be better, different in our R. I no longer have to show her that I have grown. Because I KNOW that I have. And she still views me through a lens that sees me as no different. Partially, I believe, because she doesn't want to trust me - but also because in doing so it would invalidate her choices. No matter. It truly, truly is her loss....both me and her time with our S.
I tried like hell to keep the road home paved and smooth, but it does little good when the other person doesn't even bother to take out the map.
