This is our scenario.. a proposal, no definite answer I think there is a place to negotiate but it is just seen as manipulating and controlling. I will keep this in mind.. Guess you both have to be open to listening..
Thank you for that post, Bug. It's basically the anatomy of a disagreement and seeing both sides as an outsider is helpful.
In my situation, I strongly suspect that if XW wanted the pallet furniture and I objected or said I didn't want it I would get tabbed with having to have everything my way and not being flexible. Similar arguments over similar issues occurred in the past. And by her definition from time to time, a "compromise" would be me giving in and letting her get the furniture.
Nowadays, I think I have better tools and understanding to work through stuff like this -- even though it does take a breath or two.
labug - curious about some of the details that lead to your current status, couldn't find the info on your threads or maybe just didn't look hard enough. What helped you forgive your H for leaving once he decided to come back? Did he apologize or own up to anything? Did you two have any conversations about what happened during your S (like if he had dated or if someone else had been in the picture during that time) or were you able to tell yourself it didn't matter and not ask about it? Are you two doing MC at all?
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
labug - curious about some of the details that lead to your current status, couldn't find the info on your threads or maybe just didn't look hard enough. What helped you forgive your H for leaving once he decided to come back?
By the time we got back together, there wasn't really anything to forgive or perhaps I just don't think of it that way. I've thought about this since I read your post yesterday. Forgive? Did I forgive? What did I forgive?
In the 3years-ish we were apart I gained a lot of perspective. I progressed from blaming him for everything, to blaming myself for everything, back to blaming him and then finally realizing we both played pretty equal parts in the breakdown. I suppose I did forgive him in a way but it feels more like I just let it go or I moved beyond it.
He didn't leave me to hurt me, he left to be happy. He was unable to do that living with me.
When I was able to really focus inward and be brutally honest with myself, I could understand why he needed to leave. And he had stayed and he had tried, to his way of thinking.
I have thanked him, because without the BD, I don't know that I would be where I am today. Even with all the pain, I wouldn't change what happened, I needed that big 2x4 from the universe to wake me up.
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Did he apologize or own up to anything?
What do you mean by "own up to"?
We have both apologized to one another as things come up along the way.
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Did you two have any conversations about what happened during your S (like if he had dated or if someone else had been in the picture during that time) or were you able to tell yourself it didn't matter and not ask about it?
Things that happened when we were apart come up in the everyday living of life. I haven't asked him about anything specifically. He didn't date anyone.
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Are you two doing MC at all?
No and an interesting thing is, early on I vehemently stated "if we would ever get back together, he has to go to counseling." I thought about it when we first started moving toward each other and decided I would have a wait and see attitude. If it looked like we needed help, we'd find it. So far it hasn't been an issue.
I go to counseling regularly.
If I felt we needed MC but he didn't, we'd have to re-evaluate the situation.
It is true that changing self does change all our relationships. That's why my mantra is focus on you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I've continued to think about the forgiveness question and I think who I really learned to forgive was me.
I was a very harsh judge of myself and when we are extremely critical of ourselves, we are usually just as critical of others.
So in learning to accept me as I am, without judging every little thing, forgiving myself when I'm not perfect, I can extend that same grace to others.
And let the past be the past.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
