It's been awhile. A lot has gone down at la casa de TVS.
Thanks Job and FY for stopping by after my last post. It's been difficult to find time to post an update, but here goes...
Spring seems to finally be here, hopefully everyone will stay healthy here. Since I last posted we had a round of strep and some nasty virus. It's been great to open up the windows and get some fresh air in here!
FY, you asked me what my gut was telling me. Good question
Let's go back...
Last time I posted, I was really feeling the frustration of everything seemingly being at a standstill. I was getting disgusted by not knowing if he was lying or not every time he went out. I had hit the wall, was ready to have THE talk with him - I was going to ask him to leave. I had enough.
H was in a bad car accident, totaled his car. He was okay, hurt his ribs and back. He was really shaken up and upset about it. Kept apologizing to me for wrecking the car twice (had an accident New Year's Day 2013 as well)
I was very calm about everything - told him I was just glad he was okay. That was what is important. I also did not mother hen him about taking care of everything afterwards - he made all the necessary phone calls, got rental car, etc. I also let him take the lead on finding a new car. Not my responsibility.
Here's where things get real interesting...
Days after he wrecks the car, he comes up to bed in the middle of the night, as usual. Asks me to rub his back because it hurts so bad. One thing leads to another... You can guess the rest
This has been consistent for the past month and a half or so.
Neither one of us has said anything about it. Not one word. Still no affection from him outside of the bedroom, though he has been very nice to me. In many ways, this has left me with more questions than answers.
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A few days after the first time we were intimate, he springs on me that he's going away on a fishing trip in a few weeks. This is a trip that he used to go on legitimately with his buddies pre- crisis, but I believe the past two years he's gone away with her. Still, I say nothing.
Weeks go by. Neither one of us say anything about the trip.
The week of the trip, I get real sick, leave work early. The night before the trip, he asks how I'm feeling - I say a little better. He then goes on and on about how I will feel like sh!t once the cold medicine wears off and that I should really call off work the next day and that maybe he should stay home so that I can rest.
Very interesting. LOL!
So, I took off work and he stayed home. Did an awesome job taking care of the boys so I could rest. But - there was one point during the weekend where he was texting a lot and seemed irritated. Says to me - since I didn't get to go away fishing this weekend, I think I may go in April. I say okay. I wanted to see how this all played out...
Once again, same routine, he says nothing more about the trip. Come the night before he was supposed to leave, he tells me that the trip fell through. This was last weekend. Instead, he spent the weekend doing yard work, even dug me a space for an herb garden as a surprise. Seemed quite happy hanging out with me and the boys. Hmmmm...
Oh don't worry, ol' FT won't disappoint you. She's as crazy as ever. She has been stirring up quite a bit of drama at work. I've stayed out of it. The few times that I've seen her, boy, she didn't exactly look pleased to see me. I love the logic... She has an affair with my husband, but gives me dirty looks. Go figure - LOL!
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I have been feeling a tidal wave of emotions. In so many ways, I see the man I married. There are old dynamics between us - good ones - that have been resurfacing. Feelings I have stuffed down for so long are resurfacing - feelings of anger and hurt at what he has done, but also feelings of great love. Yet, I know he's not ready to talk about any of this. I don't want to scare him, I understand this is a critical time.
I've been reading through Raine's threads from October on. So much I can relate to, a lot of similarities from that point in time. Also a lot of very valuable advice and information.
So what does my gut tell me? It tells me that this is the real deal. He's reconnecting after some touch and goes. It tells me that FT is still in the picture, though I'm not sure what capacity at this point. I feel that I need to be the stable force here, the pillar of strength, the lighthouse, whatever you want to call it.
She's been showing that's she's all over the place, quite unstable. I have been the opposite.
Right now, taking it day by day. I'm letting him lead with things, but also showing him the possibilities of what could be between us. UR may have mentioned that to me a time or two - LOL!
It was so sweet, she had a shiny new patience back hoe delivered right to my front yard. Good thing too... I'm gonna need it
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
