4th Down And Getting A Little Anxious

[Georgiabelle]

Job & Eric always make me think and I appreciate. I spoke to one of the top family attorneys in the state today (I'm a go big or go home girl). I had spoken with about others and quite frankly, I was a bit perplexed by a couple. 2 told me I was very attractive and smart and should be married again in no time. Geez, that's really not what I want. However the L I spoke to today is a good fit and I will have a face to face meeting with her next week. I feel pretty good and am much more relaxed.

Eric, you asked something that I struggled with frequently in my m. My h is a tortured soul and now he has totally said good bye to reality. My h is the most sensitive person I've ever known. I spent a great deal of my m trying to fix and rescue him. He has zero coping skills. I am finally realizing I can't fix anyone but myself.

One day, when my older 2 kids were 3 and 2, h was clearly depressed and his behavior was erratic. He slammed a door in my face and was extremely agitated. He is 6'4 and I'm 5'4. I said I was leaving with the kids. He put his hands around my neck for a few seconds and I said I was calling the police. I did not. Why? Because I was embarrassed that this smart, successful women had gotten herself in a mess. I told him I was leaving if he didn't get help. I of course (why did I do everything?) made a doctor's appointment the next daytime him and he started on ADs and anti anxiety medication. He never did that again to me. However, he also never apologized ( he did it because I was leaving with the kids) and that's always his MO. Never his fault.

Do I worry about the safety of my kids with him for an extended period of time ? I'm ashamed to admit this but I am. In mid Jan my oldest son tried to give him a hug and he shoved him away. In late Jan, we spent the weekend at his parents. He was behaving so erratic that his mother called to make sure me and the kids were okay when got home. She was worried about us getting home safely and said she wanted to smack him.

It always confused me a bit as he was very devoted to me, rescued birds, helped turtles across the street, etc. However, at the core he had issues and those have only been amplified in MLC. Family is extremely important to me- it's always what I wanted. I looked at h's family and saw these loving, smart, hard working and supportive people and assumed h must be like that. Instead, he is broken, had been for a long time and acts nothing like them. My older 2 kids see it.

I don't know..,, just journaling my thoughts. Although we were great friends and very close, I don't know if I ever respected my h. I think I got exhausted trying to fix something I innately knew I couldn't. I just kept trying . Could definitely have contributed to our intimacy issues.

All that being said, it may sound crazy however a part of me feels happy and at peace. Not sure anyone wanted to read all of that but it felt good to write it out. Could be the day of the week.