• Separated December 2012 on holiday in country where we were both raised (in a different hemisphere from where we were working/living)
• WAW saying “It’s over and you can’t convince me otherwise.” March 2013. She request 3 months no contact to make this decision.
• I went back to country we were living, quit my job, packed the flat returned to my immediate family April 2014
• Have been working on myself since. Kept my old job for a further 3 months as a consultant. Found new job – which is far less stressful, but I’m also increasingly struggling with not being extended or overly valued. I am actively looking for new work, but the reason we left this country is that the employment options, especially for me, are less.
• I see my D2 for Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday morning each fortnight. I miss her terribly and her company makes me feel like there’s a point to my life. I feel very guilty for what has happened as it impacts her.
• I have DBing since Feb 2014. I find it hard, but it helps. I feel like I'm increasingly in a healthy place to deal with my situation. I have had very limited opportunity of contact with my W. I really want to improve my relationship with her, including to co-parent our daughter. At present, W is not interested at all in extending my time or working on our relationship. I’ve not wanted to upset W or D2, but I am struggling with how to increase the time I have with D2.
I believe W lost her love for me primarily due to:
(a) my verbally and emotionally abusive behaviour to her, which had become more pronounced over time and more threatening. I believe it came from some unhealthy thinking patterns I had that I never addressed. Our disagreements would often escalate into really horrible and exhausting interactions and even if I had a legitimate point, that would be lost due to my approach.
(b) her disconnect from some hard-to-believe “rotten” beliefs that were behind a lot of my anger and verbally abusive behaviour. For example: I got angry when my wife didn’t take good photos. Belief: “Things must go my way. My opinion on photos is absolute.” I also got angry with my family who I felt never supported me enough financially. Belief: I am ‘owed’ and ungrateful.
(a) and (b) got worse because:
(i) I didn’t put the effort in to address them myself, even though the attitudes and behaviour were making me miserable too. Unfortunately, it took W walking out for me to really address this. I see her walking out as understandable and brave.
(ii) We didn’t discuss the difficulties we had in peace times. After a fight, we would make up and forget about the boundaries that had been crossed. That played a role to corrode my respectful attitude to my W and increase my sense of entitlement. I think we both knew that there were damaging features about how we disagreed, but we didn't talk about it. Sometimes I experienced it as a form of self-sabotage, but I did reflect enough/work to take it out of my life. Sadly, we did not raise these issues with a councillor/family either. I think we were too proud and scared and the problems got worse. Everyone close to us was shocked when W walked. I was shocked too, which shows you how much denial I was in.
(iii) We both had very demanding jobs and spent long times during the week apart. Often W would get home after midnight and leave before 8 am. I was often overseas for weeks. I was lonely and unhappy with some parts of life we had created. Again, I really struggled to identify this and talk about it with W appropriately. We had some time together at the weekend and it was often scrappy and strained. We became “unfit” at communicating. We knew very little about each other’s challenges. Generally, our relationship focused on financial goals at the expense of broader life goals such as happiness, kindness, intimacy. Our relationship wasn't a hedge fund, but it took too long to see that. In 2012 I checked out emotionally (not consciously) and this exacerbated our ability to talk.
W is the love of my life and despite my actions in the past which show I lack of respect and love - I do respect and love her completely. I have faced up to my behaviours and their motivations. I done a lot of reading, I have attended courses with men who have had violence problems (my problems weren’t physical violence, but I see it as a spectrum and the course was very helpful). I have made a full apology to W in writing. I have supported and provided much financial support for my W’s life since December 2012. I've also joined a gym and basically transformed my fitness and physical health. Well, transformed may be dramatic, but I'm feeling much happier physically.
My family and friends are amazed at my personal progress since December 2012. My mother thought I was on the cusp of a nervous breakdown when we arrived back for our holiday.
I don’t want to lose my W, but I know that is not wholly in my control and I am prepared for a marathon. I also would like to see D2 more, but I’m not sure what to do about that. Just this week I raised the concept with W and she had an allegic relation. I've been very good with my D2 at all times we have together.
Thanks, Buddy
• Married 8 years and together for 11 • Baby daughter born in March 2012 • Physically separated from December 2012 • WAW saying “It’s over and you can’t convince me otherwise.” March 2013.
