She left - 3

[25yearsmlc]

This is one of those situations where either answer could go wrong/right.

By having a lovely family event, you provide something the WAS WILL realize they'd miss, if they were to divorce. There's no way she won't think of that!

True, she'd also realize it if you make her realize it by excluding her, but that adds the "he's punishing me" element into the equation...and I cannot see how it would help her wake up to how great you are. Which is, more or less, your goal. Right?

I think the more she sees you lovingly interacting with your kids, the better. For most women it's a turn on and would do more good than harm. Not to mention how the kids would feel with both parents, instead of highlighting the absence of you at each of the other's event...

Putting the kids first keeps things clear. (You'll never regret doing right by your kids). Maybe You can have your w there when it's a kid/family thing (for the kids sake) but no "Couples" events, if you want.

I think you're so wise to figure out first if a PA is a deal breaker.

Once upon a time I was sure it would be, and I think it would have been when we were first married and for years. But there have been years when I think we would have been able to get past it.

If I found out today, about an affair that ended some time ago, I'd probably get over it. A lot would depend on how it ended, OR IF he ended it, versus the OW cutting it off, if there were one.

But if you KNEW with 100% certainty that nothing your wife could do would ever make up for having an affair, (which is something a few people do know, but I think you would already know if that were the case with you),

and only then, would I be sure to recommend confronting...b/c frankly, if it is something you can get past, how on earth does getting the details out, help you to do that?

Be careful about how much "honesty" you want when it comes to details. Some folks crave knowing it all ---- but I've NEVER met one who was glad to have heard it all, and then successfully reconciled.

MY sister's h had an affair and he confessed to her. They did get past it, but in their case, He broke it off, & HE kept OW away, and then my sister and h went to a lot of counseling. My sister said the less she knew the details, the better, for HER...

Keep that in mind...but of course, decide for yourself.

Are you bearing in mind your overall goal of being the best man YOU can be? The empathy and less controlling behaviors can't get the shift because you now believe there is OM.

I guess I'd have to ask, what if anything does an A change, about your own work?

May I suggest, nothing? You still have your own stuff in your own sandbox.

Don't let a possible/probable A of any nature, deflect from your own needed repair work. That's a lousy combination b/c then you can play the victim and never improve yourself OR your own happiness.

I already know you don't want this^^^....I'm merely reminding you that it often happens here. If a 3rd party is involved or likely to be, some people start ringing bells as if THIS IS THE ANSWER but it's almost always a bit more complicated.

Also I do know people who have left their families and not had a OP. My younger sister is getting divorced at her request, and she has no OM. My oldest brother divorced a wonderful woman, and he had No OW (but I am sure he wished).

Just understand that having an affair does NOT mean that your spouse has "no respect for you" although it would feel that way. You'll hear a lot of people, even around here, talking about how "disrespectful an affair is" but I fear that is often the projecting of a person with a badly wounded ego...b/c mostly that's not on the mind of the person having an affair. I have not had a PA but 20+ years ago, I wanted to...so I realize it's not all about anger or disrespect at all. It CAN be, about loneliness inside a marriage...

And to the one having the affair, remember that they have rationalized it b/c they feel their needs went unmet for too long. They don't necessarily hide it b/c of shame, but more b/c of concern about repercussions AND OR b/c they are not sure what they want to do or how they feel. Confronting can lead to ultimatums that rarely work to the benefit of the marriage, long term.

While there is often regret after an A, while in the throes of it, most women who have affairs do NOT feel they are "wrong"...but that they are justified.

Knowing what you know of your wife's mores & values, isn't the root of the problem - how she got to where that would be justified? Is it all her flawed thinking and selfishness??

See, this is where your hard work comes in...make sense?