I get that, bug. There's probably a little bit of concern that I'm doing damage by enabling this influence on my kids, all in the name of family no matter what. In defense of kooky families I've got a doozy I had to put up with.
My aunt had something wrong with her. I don't know exactly what. Everyone acted like she was completely normal, just a bit of a challenge. But she was absolutely nasty, and no filter, sarcastic, mean, judgmental. She acted like she couldn't stand us but never missed a birthday or holiday, and expected the same back. The older I got the more I saw how poisonous she was. After my wedding she wrote me a letter about what the Japanese did in the war and how she'd never buy a Japanese car, basically explaining to me why I should understand that she didn't like my Japanese husband. She also spelling my last name incorrectly every single letter and card she addressed to us. Mind you she had a PhD in library science. She knew how to spell it.
I figured out in about my 20s that poison like that you can stop from spreading by letting it drop where it lands. Instead of calling my sister or my mom or my husband and telling them, can you believe this thing that M said? She's really outdone herself, she said xyz. I realized if I didn't do that, the poison didn't spread. It took some of her power away if I just let her stew and forgot about what she said to try to hurt me.
She's gone now. I remember only good things most of the time I think about her, which I think neutralizes even more of her poison. I remember my S14 as a little boy climbing up on her lap. He liked her! She was so surprised she just sat there. She hated boys and men, but she liked my little boy because he didn't even notice how she was. I remember other things that I liked about her too. I feel sorry for how she chose to live her life, or maybe didn't choose to, and I feel glad to have gotten to learn from her example, that I would rather be tolerant and look for good in people, and look for things to like. I think I learned some great things from her, unfortunately for her.
I think because that was my experience, then my kids can learn to be happier and more tolerant in spite of - or because of - the venom their elders spew around.
Does that seem misguided?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
